| News Lampoon | Quest tries to hang himself from genitals! | |||
| CNN
'personality' found with 'favorite sex toy' By Mickey Sartre, News Lampoon cub reporter
April 21, 2008--It hurts when you have to report a story like this about one of your own, but I've got a job to do, and I'm going to do it. So here goes: CNN reporter Richard Quest was busted over the weekend in Central Park. The New York papers report that it was "not immediately clear" what poor Richard was up to at 3:40 in the morning with his favorite sex toy tucked away in his boot other than he helpfully told police: "I've got some meth in my pocket." Some are speculating that just because Richard also had a rope around his neck that was tied to his genitals and was with another man in the closed park that he might have been engaged in some sort of "hanky panky," but I've got a different theory. Richard was going to kill himself. Being a news reporter is tough work. More often than not, we work too many hours and get too little sleep. We are unloved and underappreciated, even despised. We are often incorrectly referred to by this or that illiterate member of a particular news medium as "the media." But we are not media; we are people. The Internet, newspapers, and television are media. Richard Quest and Mickey Sartre, News Lampoon cub reporter, are people, god damn it! (story continued below)
Richard with 'Dame Edna' The rope poor Richard had around his neck was not a long one. He had, I believe, gone to the park in search of a tree with a branch skinny enough to allow him to tie off one end and still allow enough rope for a noose. In short, Richard was going to hang himself. When he could find no skinny branches, he attempted to hang himself from his penis, which he has reportedly referred to when aroused as "the old oak tree." Exactly how the mechanics of this would work, I can't say, but Richard can do just about anything when he puts his mind to it. Thank God the cops arrived in time. Otherwise I might have had to write a eulogy instead of this plea for Richard to get help! Richard's lawyer tried to explain away the suicide attempt by saying, "Mr. Quest didn't realize that the park had a curfew" and that Richard was simply "returning to his hotel with friends." Some lawyer! Some friends! Obviously, Richard is not the only one in denial. Richard, this lawyer is not your friend, and he is not helping you! You have too much to live for, Richard! For God's sake, man, don't throw it all away! Remember when you were offered that position for the English-language version of the prestigious Al Jazeera network, but, being gay and Jewish, you didn't think it would be a "good fit"? What happened after that? Didn't you get the CNN job? Better times lie ahead, my friend. Think of it this way--at least you're not the Governor of New York! I'm sorry I had to report this story, Richard, but of all people, you should realize that it's nothing personal, that I'm just doing my job. I hope that this last part cheered you up. If not, wait till you see the new toy I got for you. I don't know exactly what it is or how it works, but the guy at the euphemism told me you'd like it. Just let me know which treatment center to bring it to. Related story: http://blogs.nzherald.co.nz/blog/blogger-bites-back/2008/4/21/cnn ______________________________________________ |
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