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Radical groups want to curb U.S. population growth
By Song Hen, Far East
Correspondent
February 21, 2008, Hong
Kong--A recent e-mail intercepted by this correspondent led to an
investigation which has uncovered a bizarre plot to reduce the population
of the United States.
The entities involved include
the City of Berkeley (COB), Code Pink (Pinko), the Planned Parenthood
Federation of America (PPFA), the Human Rights Campaign (HRC), and the
People's Republic of China.
It has long been known that
China has used infanticide as a method of population control, but only
recently has it been discovered that they have begun to cooperate with the
above-mentioned groups who want to exercise similar control in the U.S.
Citing the prohibition of the
importation from China of lethal medication (heparin) and lethal toys for
toddlers, the distaste several million Americans have for abortion, and
the support given by millions of Americans for the armed services and
their recruiting techniques, these entities have come to an agreement on
an amendment to the Constitution they hope to get passed by 2010. This
amendment would require a rigorous test for would-be parents.
Failure to abide by the rules of this amendment would result in
sterilizations performed in public and without benefit of anesthesia.
Should this amendment pass,
prospective parents will be required to undergo screening tests to
determine their eligibility for parenting. Below is a small sampling of
the testing the proposal would require.
1) Stamina:
Prospective parents will walk
around the living room from 5:00 PM to10:00 PM carrying a wet sandbag weighing
8-12 pounds while wearing a headset playing loud static. At 10:00 PM,
prospects will put
the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep (if able). Get
up at 12:00 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1:00 AM.
Set the alarm for 3:00 AM. Repeat procedure nightly for 3 months.
2)
Patience/Financial security:
Prospective parents will
measure their blood pressure. Now purchase a new BMW at MSRP. Buy a
chocolate ice cream cone and place it in the glove compartment. Stick a
dime in the CD player. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Measure blood pressure again. (Blood pressure cannot rise above two
points.)
3) Organization:
Prospective parents will go to
the local grocery accompanied by a pre-school child (if a preschooler is
unobtainable, a full-grown goat is a permitted surrogate and will be
provided for a small fee.) If the prospective parents intend to have more
than one child, they must take more than one preschooler, goat, or
preschooler/goat combination. Purchase one week's worth of groceries
without letting preschooler(s)/ goat(s) out of their sight. Pay for
everything the preschooler(s)/goat(s) eat(s) or destroy(s).
This must be repeated until it
is easily accomplished.
4) Dexterity:
Prospective parents will obtain a
live
octopus and a small bag made of loose mesh. Place the octopus into the
bag so that none of the tentacles hang out. If necessary, follow the the goat surrogate
principle described above: two children planned? Two live octopi.
5) Feeding:
Prospective parents will hollow
out a melon. Cut a small hole in the side. Suspend the melon
from the ceiling and give it push so it swings it from side to side.
Get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and spoon them into the swaying melon's
"mouth" while pretending to be an airplane. Continue "feeding" the
melon until half of the Cheerios are gone. Tip half of the remaining
Cheerios onto your lap then toss the other half (including bowl) onto the floor.
6) Sensitivity:
Prospective parents will make a
lettuce compost pile. Digging halfway down into the pile of rotting
lettuce, they will stick their noses in it. This must be done 3-5 times a
day for at least two years.
7) Irritability:
Prospective parents will make a
recording of Fran Drescher saying "mommy" repeatedly, with no more than a
four second delay between each "mommy" (if Fran Drescher is unavailalbe,
Richard Simmons is a permitted substitute). The playback device must
be capable of reaching the same decibel level as a commercial lawn mower
running at "cut" and on full power.
Playing the recording in their car everywhere they go for the next four
years, the prospective parents will converse in a civil manner.
8) Communication skills:
The prospective parents will
engage in a cheerful conversation with another adult, either on a telephone or in
person, while someone tugs continually on their skirt hem, shirt-sleeve,
or elbow while the "mommy" tape from previous lesson is playing at the
specified level.
Would-be parents will be
monitored by select members from the groups listed above, whose
prerogative will be to award a "Pass" or "Fail" grade. This program would
be funded by U.S. taxpayers and is estimated to have a minimum annual
cost of $50,000,000,000.
The
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