Last updated 08/17/2008 11:48:03 AM Refresh for latest updates |
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In light of the Super Bowl's having taken place yesterday, the NewsLampoon.com does NOT stand by the following news article. It will be removed and retracted immediately upon rectifying publishing software problems we are having at the present time. PATRIOTS FORFEIT SUPER BOWL! From wire reports February 3, 2008, Phoenix—New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick announced late last night that his team will not play in today’s Super Bowl game. “We had a terrible week of practice,” said Belichick. “I couldn’t really see us doing much out there, so I sent everyone home.” “I told you we would win,” said elated New York wide receiver Plaxico Burress, who last week guaranteed a Giants win against the undefeated and heavily-favored Patriots. “I don’t care if it is a forfeit. A win’s a win.” To ensure the team won’t play without him, Belichick claims to have placed the entire squad on the “injured reserve” list. NFL rules would prohibit anyone on the list from playing until next season. “This way guys won’t get beat up unnecessarily,” said Belichick. “They’ll all be fresh and ready to go next season. There’s no way we would have won this game.” Belichick has been described as the “evil genius” of the gridiron, baffling opposing coaches and players with intricately-detailed game plans. So is this announcement another way of getting in his opponent’s head? Or is it “payback” for being punished by the league earlier this season for cheating? “Make of it what you will,” said the coach. “But we’re not playing. I really don’t have anything else to say.” The full ramifications of this story have yet to be realized, but bettors are scrambling to get their money back as bookies in Las Vegas and elsewhere are said to be considering a "hit" on Belichick should this incredible announcement turn out to be true. "They can do whatever they want," said Belichick as he left the team hotel. "You won't be seeing the New England Patriots on the field tomorrow. That's all there is to it." Efforts to reach Patriots owner Robert Kraft were unsuccessful. The NewsLampoon.com will keep abreast of the situation and provide our readers with all the latest on this story. (Posted 12:28 a.m. ET; update 12:47) |
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The NewsLampoon.com is a satirical news website published by NewsLampoon, Inc. The News Lampoon uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. © Copyright 2008 by NewsLampoon. The News Lampoon is not intended for readers under 18 years of age. Last updated: 08/17/08.
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