Last updated 08/17/2008 11:48:03 AM Refresh for latest updates |
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Obama Wins South Carolina; Clinton Vows Retribution By Mickey Sartre, NewsLampoon cub reporter January 27, 2008, Columbia, SC--Furious at what she deems a betrayal by a constituency she had once considered hers, presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton has vowed to her closest advisors, including her husband, former president Bill Clinton, that “when” she is elected president, she will seek retribution against African Americans by slashing programs designed to aid minorities, and particularly those benefiting blacks in South Carolina. “I don’t care much how I do it,” Clinton is reported to have said. “I’ll promise them the moon, but after I’m elected, I’ll flash them the moon, tell them all to kiss my a--. Especially Oprah. This is mostly her fault. I just hope she asks me back to her show, because she’s not going to like what I have to tell her, not at all.” “You do not want to cross Hillary,” former Clinton advisor Dick Morris said. “She will get payback. The Clintons always do.” As she watched the polls tally, Ms. Clinton is said to have become more and more angry. “It’s not so much losing—we expected that—it’s the numbers that bother me,” Clinton reportedly said. “Bill and I have done so much for those people.” But in typical Clinton fashion, she won’t let it bother her for long. There’s still work to do. “At least we’ve still got the Latinos, a people who, like Bill and me, place a premium on loyalty. That’s so hard to find these days.” Morris, who has had his share of run-ins with the Clintons, laughed at the notion that they are loyal. “If Hillary says she’s ‘got your back,’ watch out, because she probably means she’s just plunged a knife into it.” (Posted 7:50 p.m. EST) |
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The NewsLampoon.com is a satirical news website published by NewsLampoon, Inc. The News Lampoon uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. © Copyright 2008 by NewsLampoon. The News Lampoon is not intended for readers under 18 years of age. Last updated: 08/17/08.
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