Last updated 08/17/2008 11:48:04 AM Refresh for latest updates |
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McCain Escorted from Barbecue By Mickey Sartre, NewsLampoon cub reporter January 21, 2008—John McCain, apparently feeling confident following a victory in Saturday’s South Carolina Primary, decided to celebrate—at a Mike Huckabee barbecue. The Sunday barbecue, held at Huckabee-supporter Chuck Norris’s Lone Wolf Ranch, in Texas, featured Huckabee’s band, Capitol Offense. According to some in attendance, McCain arrived with a group of “rough-looking” men dressed in camouflage and began to taunt Huckabee with calls of “You suck!” and “You’re a p---y!” as the former Arkansas governor and his band performed. The closed event was to feature an organized martial arts demonstration. Norris, a former martial arts champion who now hawks The Total Gym exercise machines, has appeared in various films, including Bruce Lee’s “Way of the Dragon.” Aficionados consider the Norris/Lee fight sequence the best in the genre’s history. Norris is probably best known for his television series “Walker, Texas Ranger,” which also regularly features Norris engaged in fight scenes in which he dispatches the “bad guys” with ease. A bouncer at the event says McCain lied in order to gain entrance. “He told me he wanted to announce that he was dropping out of the race, but I should have known better. His eyes were kind of glazed and he had this smirk on his face, and I could smell alcohol on his breath. But, hell, the dude’s a war hero, so I let him in. “I just hope Chuck ain’t mad. He told us not to let anyone in without a ticket. Chuck’s kind of strict about things like that.” As the taunts continued, McCain laughed and nudged his companions’ sides. Finally, a seemingly stunned Huckabee signaled for the band to stop and asked, “What seems to be the problem, John?” “You, Mike, are the problem,” McCain allegedly responded before challenging Huckabee to “come down off that stage. "I kicked your ass in New Hampshire and South Carolina, and I'm about to kick it again here in Texas." As they continued with their exchange, Norris appeared “seemingly out of nowhere” and stood, arms folded, behind Senator McCain and asked, “Can I help you, John?” “Oh, Chuck, I didn’t know you were here,” a startled McCain reportedly replied. “It’s my ranch, John, why wouldn’t I be here?” Norris is said to have said. Norris then is reported to have escorted the senator to a nearby table and force him to eat a pulled-pork sandwich and drink several cups of coffee before sending him on his way. Some in attendance say that as Norris signed autographs for McCain’s accomplices, he soothingly gave the senator “friendly advice” on the subject of self-discipline. “It’s all over now,” Norris is quoted to have said upon returning to the disappointed crowd. “The old man just had a little too much to drink.” |
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The NewsLampoon.com is a satirical news website published by NewsLampoon, Inc. The News Lampoon uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. © Copyright 2008 by NewsLampoon. The News Lampoon is not intended for readers under 18 years of age. Last updated: 08/17/08.
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