The News Lampoon.com

By Mickey Sartre, News Lampoon cub reporter

"A thrill went up my leg"

March 26, 2008--The Barack Obama campaign has requested that federal authorities investigate MSNBC Hardball host Chris Matthews because of "creepy" text messages and handwritten love notes he has been sending to Obama.

"This is very painful," said Obama campaign manager David Plouffe when asked to confirm the story, "because Chris has been one of our staunchest supporters.  Hardball has saved us millions in advertising dollars.  We don't bother airing commercials during his show because Hardball has been an hour-long commercial in itself, and we are grateful to Chris for that.  But if he does something weird, and I didn't try to protect Barack, I would never forgive myself."

In the past few months, Matthews has made several eyebrow-raising on-air comments following Obama speeches.  The most notorious was when he said "I feel this thrill go up my leg" when he hears  Obama's voice.  Following the lauded "Race Speech," Matthews confessed that it made him cry then went on to liken Obama's writing skills to those of Mark Twain.  Matthews also appears on a recent "Obama Girl" video.

"Some of the notes Chris has been sending are downright creepy," said Plouffe.  "They're scented with Old Spice.  And how he keeps getting Barack's cell number I don't know.  We've had it changed many times, but the creepy messages just keep on coming.  We suspect a mole from Hillary's camp is involved, but we have no proof of that."

Plouffe described one of the Matthews messages as a request for a "personal interview at a Turkish bath house--very, very creepy but tame in comparison with other messages he's sent."

Many have wondered, given Matthews' rabid support for Obama, why the candidate has not appeared on Hardball but recently spent a full day with Anderson Cooper and also appeared on Larry King's and Keith Olbermann's shows.

"We've tried to get him on," said a Hardball booking agent, "but they keep making up excuses.  Chris is very upset.  He was in tears about it last week and tore up his Barack posters.  Keith [Olbermann] taped them back together for him though.  Both of them are huge Barack fans.  It's really disgusting."

An Obama staffer who requests anonymity said, "Barack would rather sit down with Bill O'Reilly or Chris Wallace than Chris Matthews.  Though Barack is a supporter of the gay community, he is definitely heterosexual.  We're not so sure about Matthews.  We think he might be 'bi.'"

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