| Cleveland congressman drops
out of presidential race By
Mickey Sartre, NewsLampoon cub reporter
January 25, 2008, Cleveland—Democrat Dennis Kucinich told the
Cleveland Plain Dealer yesterday that he is abandoning his bid for
the presidency.
When asked to comment, a spokesperson for Hillary Clinton expressed
shock: “What? I thought he’d dropped out some time ago. At any rate,
Congressman Kucinich will be missed. Hillary has told me many times how
cute she thought Dennis’s running for president was. He’s a fiery little
guy, isn’t he? Kinda reminds me of my little bulldog puppy.”
Critics complained that Kucinich’s near-constant campaigning diverted
his attention from his duties as a congressman. He missed nearly 12%
of this congressional session’s votes, 139 votes in all. He showed
up Wednesday, however, to announce plans to introduce articles of
impeachment against President Bush on Monday, Jan. 28th, the day of
Bush's State of the Union address.
“My run for president brought much-needed attention to Cleveland
and my beloved 10th Congressional District. So I missed a few
votes. I’ll compare my record with almost anyone in Congress. Believe
me, some of those guys are a lot worse than I am. But right now I’m
focusing on ways to get even more attention.”
Kucinich says “bigger things than the presidency” lie ahead. Among
those are finding extra-terrestrial life and “getting the Browns back
where they belong—in Cleveland.”
Reminded that the Browns returned to Cleveland in 1999, Kucinich
said, “See how it works when we all pull together? Now we’re going
to get Cleveland not just in the national spotlight, not just the world
spotlight, we’re going galactic.”
Kucinich has been ridiculed for claiming he once spotted a UFO
that might have been extra-terrestrial, a
claim he doesn’t back down from.
“Ask Shirley,” he has said, referring to spiritualist-actor Shirley
McClain, “she saw it too. It’s in her book if you don’t believe me.”
Asked about his immediate plans, Kucinich says he will first get
re-elected to Congress. “But that’s in the bag.”
He says we now have to look forward.
“The world’s shrinking. Our global economy can’t handle the
population. We need to find other markets whereby we can create
much-needed jobs for the workers of Cleveland. We need to think of new
ways, find new places, new technologies, new planets. We need to look
beyond this world, way beyond it.”
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