Last updated 08/17/2008 11:48:04 AM Refresh for latest updates |
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Kucinich Arrested in "Old-Style Brawl" 1-16-2008, Las Vegas--Democratic presidential hopeful Dennis Kucinich was arrested late last night at a Las Vegas casino in what police here labeled "an old-style brawl." According to witnesses, Kucinich was drunk at the time of the incident. Kucinich, angry for being excluded from last night's presidential debate, and whose legal motion for inclusion failed, decided to "take things into his own little hands," according to a spokesperson. Surveillance video captured Kucinich drinking glass after glass of champagne and becoming increasingly belligerent as he challenged patrons and cocktail servers to "step outside." Kucinich's spokesperson maintains that the Ohio congressman (D-Ohio) was merely "challenging them to debate the issues," but one witness claims, and video seems to verify, that as she played the slot machines Kucinich intentionally spilled her bucket of quarters and then asked with a menacing voice, "What're you gonna do about it?" The spokesperson dismissed the claim, saying, "The next President of the United States of America was asking the people to take a more active role in helping to fix what's ailing this country. Spilling the quarters was a symbolic gesture meant to illustrate the present administration's wasteful spending and mis-handling of the economy." Another patron, after being told who Kucinich was, said that he thought he had recognized the congressman but that he thought he may have been a Cirque de Soleil performer "just blowin' off some steam." Eventually, Kucinich, apparently frustrated that no one would fight with him, punched an off-duty showgirl in the stomach. The showgirl, several inches taller than the congressman, had him pinned to the floor when security personnel broke it up. Kucinich shouted obscenities and continued to struggle as Security hauled him away to a holding room. "He's a strong little son-of-a-gun," said a sweating Dwight Parsons, one of the security guards who helped restrain Kucinich. Asked about the congressman's strange behavior, Kucinich's spokesperson said, "What can you say? He's from Cleveland, grew up in a working-class neighborhood where you had to be tough, tenacious, which are attributes a president should have. As for the salty language, it's something he grew up with, and we don't believe it's anything he needs to apologize for. Have you ever listened to the Nixon tapes? All presidents cuss." A source close to Kucinich says the candidate has grown increasingly frustrated during the campaign and that Kucinich, who the source describes as a "mean drunk," has increasingly turned to alcohol as a "stress reliever." "He really shouldn't drink at all," said the source. Kucinich was released on bond and is expected to make a statement later today. Home
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The NewsLampoon.com is a satirical news website published by NewsLampoon, Inc. The News Lampoon uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. © Copyright 2008 by NewsLampoon. The News Lampoon is not intended for readers under 18 years of age. Last updated: 08/17/08.
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