What's News?
January 2008
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HOGAN ENDORSES OBAMA!
By Duane Wordsworth, special to the NewsLampoon
January 31, 2008—In a move virtually guaranteeing not only the Democratic Party nomination but probably the presidency as well, Barack Obama secured the much-sought-after endorsement of professional wrestler Terry “Hulk Hogan” Bollea. The announcement was made to a shocked audience live on The Jimmy Kimmel Show.
“This may sound the death knell for Hillary’s campaign,” said FOX News’ Charles Krauthammer. “I don’t see how she can continue after this devastating of a blow. They say Edwards was to be the ‘kingmaker,’ well, I think we now know who the true kingmaker is.”
A spokesperson for Hillary Clinton's campaign declined to comment except to say, "We're assessing the situation, deciding what our next move will be. Considering the magnitude of the announcement, we believe it would be foolish to make any moves or announcements before examining every available avenue, every available option."
The Hogan endorsement may also secure for Obama the endorsement of John Edwards, who dropped out of the race Wednesday.
“We had been trying for the past month or so for the Hulk’s endorsement,” said Elizabeth Edwards. “When he told us he was going with Barack, that’s when I told John he should drop out, go for the vice-presidency instead.”
Does this mean Edwards will endorse Obama?
“It depends,” said Mrs. Edwards.
“It doesn’t really matter now,” said Fox’s Brit Hume. “The election’s as good as won for Obama. The Hulk is as good as ten Chuck Norrises, maybe twenty, and you can throw in as many Schwarzeneggers, Schwartzkopfs and Stallones as you like.”
“It amounts to tilting at windmills,” agreed Krauthammer. “The Republicans might as well start aiming for 2012.”
Mike Huckabee, endorsed by wrestler Ric Flair, says Obama is a “copycat.”
“But it's politics,” said Huckabee. “It’s a lot like professional wrestling. A lot of cheating, a lot of lying, a lot of fakes, and a lot of action.”
Earlier this week, Obama also received the endorsements of Senator Edward Kennedy (D-Massachussetts) and his niece Caroline.
(Posted 5:59 a.m. ET; updated 6:36)
MSNBC’s Olbermann To Be Fired Next Year
By Mickey Sartre, NewsLampoon cub reporter
January 29, 2008, New York—MSNBC has announced that "news anchor" Keith Olbermann will be fired on January 1, 2009. This comes on the heels of Bill O’Reilly’s surprise announcement that he plans to leave his Fox News program, "The O’Reilly Factor," next year.
“With O’Reilly gone and President Bush leaving, Keith won’t have anything to talk about,” said NBC News president Steve Capus.
O’Reilly forecasts that, by next year, he will have achieved his goal of 50 billion dollars earned from sales of merchandise on his website, billoreilly.com, and is now said to be mulling over the possibility of launching "The O’Reilly Channel--All O'Reilly, All the Time," which he would use as a springboard toward a bid at the presidency in 2012. If this happens, the possibility of MSNBC rehiring Olbermann would come into play. Until then, MSNBC will need a new anchor and is said to be interested in ESPN's Kenny Mayne.
"Kenny really impressed us on Dancing with the Stars, and, of course, the wry wit when you used to see him on SportsCenter," Capus said.
.
Olbermann denies reports that he has contacted O’Reilly about the possibility of being his campaign manager should O’Reilly decide to pursue the presidency.
Efforts to contact O'Reilly via his website email were unsuccessful as the cable news giant's site allows email only from holders of billoreilly.com "Premium" memberships. In the interest of "fair and balanced" reporting, the NewsLampoon does not.
In the meantime Olbermann will still have his sports gig, his blog, and will also pull in extra dollars as a Walter Pidgeon impersonator.
Good night, Keith, and good luck!
(Posted 6:01 a.m. ET; updated 6:52 a.m.)
Bush: Indonesia’s Suharto 'Will Be Missed'
From wire reports
January 28, 2008, Solo, Indonesia—Former Indonesian president Suharto died of “multiple organ failure” after three weeks on life support. A state funeral was held Monday in Solo, Suharto’s home town. He was laid to rest in a family mausoleum.
President Bush offered condolences to the family of the former dictator, whose U.S.-backed regime ranks among the most brutal in history. It has been estimated that he killed as many as 1,100,000 of his own people.
“He will be missed,” said Bush in a statement released Sunday by the White House. “He was a valuable ally to our country who killed over a million communists within the borders of his country. Left-wingers in our country don’t know how good they have it here.” (Posted 4:33 a.m. ET)
Obama ‘Not Amused’ by Clinton ‘B.O.’ Crack
By Duane Wordsworth, special to the NewsLampoon
January 28, 2008, Nashville—Still smarting from the spanking administered by the hand of Barack Obama in this past weekend’s South Carolina primary, Hillary Rodham Clinton is said to have begun calling the Illinois senator “B.O.”
“Hillary didn’t start this,” Clinton campaign manager Patti Solis Doyle said Sunday. “[Obama’s wife] Michelle Obama did. That’s been documented in Glamour Magazine. She herself said the man stinks so badly his own children won’t go near him. Those are Michelle’s words, not ours.”
Obama said he was “not amused” by Clinton’s alleged crack. “Hillary’s name-calling and continued personal attacks are really getting tiresome. So I’m not the best smelling guy on the planet, but I’m not a frustrated hag, either. My body odor problem--which, by the way, is something that can be fixed--may be an issue with my wife and my children, but it won’t be with voters.”
Later in the day, Doyle disavowed her statement and deployed top campaign strategist Mark Penn to explain “what’s really going on.”
“'B.O.' are Barack's initials,” Penn said. “Doesn’t anyone understand that? Many people these days go by their initials. It’s really a term of endearment. Half of the players in the NFL go by their initials. It’s kind of a trademark. I wouldn’t be surprised if David [Plouffe, Obama’s campaign manager] came up with this idea. It’s really a stroke of genius. And then to turn it back onto us . . . well, let’s just say I’m in awe. I wish we could twist words like that. Hell, they’re twisting letters.”
“I think ‘B.O.’ is going to resonate with many voters,” said MSNBC’s Mika Brzezinski. “It’s something many of them will relate to. I dare say Mr. Obama may have created another demographic, another block of votes. In addition to that, he may now get the backing of the underarm deodorant lobby, which is probably pretty powerful, if there is one. Is there one?” (Posted 3:59 a.m. ET)
Obama Wins South Carolina; Clinton Vows Retribution
By Mickey Sartre, NewsLampoon cub reporter
January 27, 2008, Columbia, SC--Furious at what she deems a betrayal by a constituency she had once considered hers, presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton has vowed to her closest advisors, including her husband, former president Bill Clinton, that “when” she is elected president, she will seek retribution against African Americans by slashing programs designed to aid minorities, and particularly those benefiting blacks in South Carolina.
“I don’t care much how I do it,” Clinton is reported to have said. “I’ll promise them the moon, but after I’m elected, I’ll flash them the moon, tell them all to kiss my a--. Especially Oprah. This is mostly her fault. I just hope she asks me back to her show, because she’s not going to like what I have to tell her, not at all.”
“You do not want to cross Hillary,” former Clinton advisor Dick Morris said. “She will get payback. The Clintons always do.”
As she watched the polls tally, Ms. Clinton is said to have become more and more angry.
“It’s not so much losing—we expected that—it’s the numbers that bother me,” Clinton reportedly said. “Bill and I have done so much for those people.”
But in typical Clinton fashion, she won’t let it bother her for long. There’s still work to do.
“At least we’ve still got the Latinos, a people who, like Bill and me, place a premium on loyalty. That’s so hard to find these days.”
Morris, who has had his share of run-ins with the Clintons, laughed at the notion that they are loyal.
“If Hillary says she’s ‘got your back,’ watch out, because she probably means she’s just plunged a knife into it.” (Posted 7:50 p.m. EST)
Gore Mulls Candidacy, 'Fart Tax'
By Herm Welty, Political correspondent
January 25, 2008, Washington, DC--Reportedly set on another run at the presidency, Al Gore will unveil a groundbreaking tax proposal Monday that opponents label as little more than "hot air."
The proposed “Fart Tax” would levy small fines on those who pass gas in public, thereby raising money against the federal deficit while simultaneously slowing the rapid increase of greenhouse gases, according to a source close to the former democratic nominee.
Gore is expected to reveal the plan at a Washington, D.C. press conference scheduled for Monday morning.
The mechanics of levying the tax are problematic, but Gore believes the government could recruit volunteers to monitor public spaces, said the source.
“There’s a little tattletale in most of us, and that’s always been a big part of Al’s appeal.”
While conceding that private farting probably can’t be regulated, the source says Gore’s plan calls for prebates to heads of households who are willing to alter their family’s diet.
“The prebate would be paid directly to the consumer at the supermarket in the form of coupons,” said the source. “Cashiers will be trained to discount every shopping bill over $50 that does not include any natural grains, beans, beer or fruit products.”
An angry Mike Huckabee said in a phone interview Friday that he saw Gore’s expected candidacy, and the Fart Tax, coming.
“Everyone knew Al Gore was just biding his time,” said Huckabee. “The man’s a proven plagiarist, and everyone knows he’s full of hot air. We saw it, everybody saw it building up, so the official release, when it comes, will surprise no one. The Fart Tax is pretty much a byproduct of Al being Al. I think it stinks.”
Gore plans to unveil the full plan, entitled "A Convenient Truth," in a series of multi-media PowerPoint presentations next week. A team of consultants will hash out strategies over the weekend.
"Jeans or slacks? Sweaters or jackets? These are some of the important questions under review," said Stephen “Cojo” Cojocaru, Gore's chief image consultant.
"He’s well on his way to a full beard already. Mark my words--facial hair will differentiate Al from Hillary, of course, but we also have it on good authority that Barack can’t grow one, either. John Edwards doesn't really count, but he wouldn't grow one anyway. He's much too vain.” (Posted 12:41 ET; updated 3:51 p.m.)
Kucinich: 'We're Going Galactic'
By Mickey Sartre, NewsLampoon cub reporter
January 25, 2008, Cleveland—Democrat Dennis Kucinich told the Cleveland Plain Dealer yesterday that he is abandoning his bid for the presidency.
When asked to comment, a spokesperson for Hillary Clinton expressed shock: “What? I thought he’d dropped out some time ago. At any rate, Congressman Kucinich will be missed. Hillary has told me many times how cute she thought Dennis’s running for president was. He’s a fiery little guy, isn’t he? Kinda reminds me of my little bulldog puppy.” See Kucinich Go
Critics complained that Kucinich’s near-constant campaigning diverted his attention from his duties as a congressman. He missed nearly 12% of this congressional session’s votes, 139 votes in all. He showed up Wednesday, however, to announce plans to introduce articles of impeachment against President Bush on Monday, Jan. 28th, the day of Bush's State of the Union address.
“My run for president brought much-needed attention to Cleveland and my beloved 10th Congressional District. So I missed a few votes. I’ll compare my record with almost anyone in Congress. Believe me, some of those guys are a lot worse than I am. But right now I’m focusing on ways to get even more attention.”
Kucinich says “bigger things than the presidency” lie ahead. Among those are finding extra-terrestrial life and “getting the Browns back where they belong—in Cleveland.”
Reminded that the Browns returned to Cleveland in 1999, Kucinich said, “See how it works when we all pull together? Now we’re going to get Cleveland not just in the national spotlight, not just the world spotlight, we’re going galactic.”
Kucinich has been ridiculed for claiming he once spotted a UFO that might have been extra-terrestrial, a claim he doesn’t back down from.
“Ask Shirley,” he has said, referring to spiritualist-actor Shirley McClain, “she saw it too. It’s in her book if you don’t believe me.”
Asked about his immediate plans, Kucinich says he will first get re-elected to Congress. “But that’s in the bag.”
He says we now have to look forward.
“The world’s shrinking. Our global economy can’t handle the population. We need to find other markets whereby we can create much-needed jobs for the workers of Cleveland. We need to think of new ways, find new places, new technologies, new planets. We need to look beyond this world, way beyond it.”
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Correction: A previous edition referred to the Wahabi sect as "Wasabi." We apologize for Mickey's error. Edwards Sending “Scurrilous email” By Mickey Sartre, NewsLampoon cub reporter January 22, 2008, Columbia, SC—Someone has been sending “scurrilous” email messages around accusing presidential candidate Barack Obama of being a Wahabi Muslim who swore his oath of office on a Koran, not a bible. Don’t look now, but it’s the guy with the poison keyboard and cheap haircut—none other than John Edwards. It all started innocently enough. Edwards got a haircut. Then the rumors began. By the time CNN got wind of it, the haircut had cost Edwards $1200. That’s for one haircut. Come on, folks! Edwards didn’t get rich by getting ripped off. Besides, all you have to do is look at it. Would you pay $1200 for a “do” like that? Neither would Edwards. The truth is, an Edwards aide told someone the candidate had gotten one hundred $12 haircuts, all within the space of 3 months, but that’s beside the point. The point is that after that, the story took on a life of its own. The point is Edwards thought Obama had been spreading the embarrassing rumor. Then things got really hairy. Anyone notice that Edwards has been picking on Obama lately? Kinda switched from Hillary to Barack, didn’t he? See Saturday night’s debate? If you did, you know what I’m talking about. Word is, Edwards is losing it, and we're not talking about his hair. His own people are saying he has no chance of winning a single primary. They’re saying he’s delusional. But that’s obvious. If he wasn’t delusional, he’d follow Fred Thompson’s lead and drop out of the race. John Edwards has issues, and everyone except the candidate himself knows it. Mister Obama’s a big man. A Christian man. So let’s hope he can forgive Mister Edwards, who can’t help himself. So maybe all of us, Muslims included, can forgive John Edwards. I for one am going to say a prayer for the guy with the cheap haircut. (Posted 9:47 p.m. EST)
McCain Escorted from Barbecue By Mickey Sartre, NewsLampoon cub reporter January 21, 2008—John McCain, apparently feeling confident following a victory in Saturday’s South Carolina Primary, decided to celebrate—at a Mike Huckabee barbecue. The Sunday barbecue, held at Huckabee-supporter Chuck Norris’s Lone Wolf Ranch, in Texas, featured Huckabee’s band, Capitol Offense. According to some in attendance, McCain arrived with a group of “rough-looking” men dressed in camouflage and began to taunt Huckabee with calls of “You suck!” and “You’re a p---y!” as the former Arkansas governor and his band performed. The closed event was to feature an organized martial arts demonstration. Norris, a former martial arts champion who now hawks The Total Gym exercise machines, has appeared in various films, including Bruce Lee’s “Way of the Dragon.” Aficionados consider the Norris/Lee fight sequence the best in the genre’s history. Norris is probably best known for his television series “Walker, Texas Ranger,” which also regularly features Norris engaged in fight scenes in which he dispatches the “bad guys” with ease. A bouncer at the event says McCain lied in order to gain entrance. “He told me he wanted to announce that he was dropping out of the race, but I should have known better. His eyes were kind of glazed and he had this smirk on his face, and I could smell alcohol on his breath. But, hell, the dude’s a war hero, so I let him in. “I just hope Chuck ain’t mad. He told us not to let anyone in without a ticket. Chuck’s kind of strict about things like that.” As the taunts continued, McCain laughed and nudged his companions’ sides. Finally, a seemingly stunned Huckabee signaled for the band to stop and asked, “What seems to be the problem, John?” “You, Mike, are the problem,” McCain allegedly responded before challenging Huckabee to “come down off that stage. "I kicked your ass in New Hampshire and South Carolina, and I'm about to kick it again here in Texas." As they continued with their exchange, Norris appeared “seemingly out of nowhere” and stood, arms folded, behind Senator McCain and asked, “Can I help you, John?” “Oh, Chuck, I didn’t know you were here,” a startled McCain reportedly replied. “It’s my ranch, John, why wouldn’t I be here?” Norris is said to have said. Norris then is reported to have escorted the senator to a nearby table and force him to eat a pulled-pork sandwich and drink several cups of coffee before sending him on his way. Some in attendance say that as Norris signed autographs for McCain’s accomplices, he soothingly gave the senator “friendly advice” on the subject of self-discipline. “It’s all over now,” Norris is quoted to have said upon returning to the disappointed crowd. “The old man just had a little too much to drink.”
Obama Freaks January 21, 2008, Columbia—Today, as Barak Obama, Hillary Clinton, and John Edwards prepare to speak at a Martin Luther King Day rally, Mr. Obama, surrounded by huge body guards, adoring fans, and friendly police, participated in a peaceful march to the South Carolina capitol. What a difference 45 years makes. No fire hoses, no attack dogs, no beatings. In an ongoing effort to wrest away King’s crown and place it on his own head, Obama last week intentionally got himself thrown into a Birmingham jail for jaywalking and then arguing with a reluctant Birmingham police officer. Upon release, according to sources close to the Illinois senator, Obama intended to produce his own “Letter from Birmingham Jail,” one of the greatest American essays ever written. Already penned by his speechwriter, Obama's letter, copied onto a brown paper bag, was confiscated while he was booked into custody and was subsequently “lost,” according to jail officials. Upon learning that he would be required to wear a bright orange jumpsuit like the rest of the inmates, Obama demanded to be released immediately but was refused. Told he would have to produce bail first, an irate Obama “screamed like a damned woman,” according to Deputy Jimmy Ootz. “Hell, I thought it was my wife come for a visit there for a minute.” Obama had originally intended to spend three days in the jail, but upon being advised of the bad conditions and that he would not be allowed to have his staff with him, Mister Obama changed his mind. “I can handle a couple hours, though, can’t I?” he reportedly asked his aides, who had never gone along fully with the plan but feared opposing it. Apparently he could not. "He freaked," laughed one of the aides.
Mike Gravel pulls late upset By Herm Welty, Political correspondent LAS VEGAS--Despite failing to attract a single vote or pick up any delegates, long-shot presidential candidate Mike Gravel was named the surprise winner of Saturday’s Democratic caucus in Nevada. “It was truly a stunning victory,” said DNC Chairman Howard Dean. “I wish this system was in place on a national level back in 2004.” The late results were announced after more than 48 hours of intense research, conducted by a team of game theorists at the University of Nevada-Las Vegas. A tousled-looking Dean made the announcement after meeting with the theorists for more than three hours. “We laughed, we cried,” said Dean. “I couldn’t see it at first but these researchers are tops in the field, being in Las Vegas and all. They insist Gravel won.” “I don’t understand it but at this point I’ll take it,” said Gravel. Gravel’s candidacy has been long on gumption but short on results until the Nevada caucus. His platform is built on eliminating the national income tax yet increasing social services, according to a campaign website hurriedly posted in the wake of Monday night’s announcement. Under Gravel’s plan, the government would raise funds by issuing casino vouchers to middle-class fathers. The inexperienced gamblers’ losses would then be split between the federal government and the casinos that choose to participate in the program. While fellow Democratic underdog Dennis Kucinich has fought hard to be included in events like Saturday night’s televised debate, Gravel concedes he enjoys skipping the intense preparation involved in making public appearances. “I’d say on to South Carolina but I think I’ll just hang since that’s been working,” he said. “I think we can safely say New Jersey is in the bag and we’ll just wait and see what happens in the other states.” “Nevadans have always prided themselves on thinking outside the box,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nevada. “This result shows we can think outside the ballot box as well.” |
Merriam-Webster goofs
January 20, 2008—The editors of Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, 12th Edition, released last July, found a word they had misplaced and neglected to include in the latest edition. The word, hippopotimouth, defined as “a profane and unprincipled physician,” was found on the tip of an assistant editor's tongue.
“So we missed one word,” said an associate editor. “What about the 10,000 new ones we added? No one wants to talk about those. We’ll put hippopotimouth in the next edition.”
"Bright Cloud" Destroys Texas Town
January 20, 2008, Stephenville--Residents of this former Texas town are adamant that the silent, low-flying, mile-long, half-mile object they saw pass over their heads last week was not of this earth, despite what the government and others say.
According to reports, dozens saw it, some catching it on video.
One video, shot in high definition, reportedly was given to government authorities, who assured the owner that they would return it “just as soon as we can.”
James Oberg, a trained UFO skeptic, appeared on The Larry King Show Friday and tried to shoot down the witnesses’ accounts by telling them they were “confused” and “untrained observers.”
“It was probably just a bright cloud,” said Oberg. “They don’t make noise, either.”
The witnesses claim doors on the object’s underside opened and released thousands of leaflets with the words “Surrender or we will destroy you” printed on them. The NewsLampoon obtained one of the leaflets and took it to an expert who found they were made of a “high-quality paper-like substance of unknown origin” and the print was in an “unknown font.” Ink test results have not yet become available.
Witnesses say they saw military fighter jets chase the object, then turn and flee with the object chasing them.
“There is no such thing as F-16s, and for that matter, there are no space shuttles, either,” countered Oberg. “Look, I’m a trained observer, and I know that nothing except clouds, some stars, God, and the sun can fly. Not even birds or planes can fly. They’re all optical illusions that can be explained. These people are living in a dream world.”
The object then returned and destroyed the town and most of its population with “some kind of ray,” according to those who escaped with their lives. “There would be a lot more of us, but they’re all dead,” said one witness. "We should have just surrendered, but some fool kept yelling 'Remember the Alamo!'"
A Government source has told the NewsLampoon that “very, very soon” the remaining witnesses will be “gathered up and taken away for therapy and debriefing.”
“What did I tell you?” said Oberg. “The town doesn’t even exist, and the people are all dead. What a bunch of crackpots.”
(Posted 3:28 a.m. CT)
What's News last week
MSNBC's Scarborough, Brzezinski feud
January 19, 2008—MSNBC anchor and garage band guitarist Joe Scarborough is scheduled to participate Sunday in a “jam session” at Chuck Norris’s Texas ranch with presidential candidate Mike Huckabee. Huckabee, who plays bass, is a frequent guest on Scarborough’s "Morning Joe" program.
Camera-shy co-anchor Mika Brzezinski, known as a hard-nosed, objective journalist who maintains she owes none of her success to her father, former national security advisor for the Carter Administation Zbigniew Brzezinski, is said to be furious, believing Scarborough’s dalliance with Huckabee presents a conflict of interest that threatens the integrity of the show.
“Our show has no integrity,” Scarborough is quoted as saying. “We replaced Don Imus, for crying out loud. I got a call after Don got s---canned and just started winging it, and that’s the way it’s been ever since. What’s the big deal? Besides, I’m a Republican, have been for years, was a Republican congressman. What exactly is it that Mika expects from me? Governor Huckabee and I have been friends for a long time. He invited me, I accepted, and I'm going. If Mika had any integrity, she would have changed her last name years ago.”
(Posted 7:32 a.m. EST) (Updated 10:59 a.m. EST)
Newslamp Editors Recant
January 18, 2008--The editors of the NewsLampoon.com website shocked political observers today when they announced in an emergency editorial that they would pull their endorsement for presidential candidate Lee J. Mercer before the endorsement was made. The editors blamed an unpaid intern for the confusion. The intern was subsequently fired. Read emergency editorial
(Posted 2:09 p.m. EST)
Newslamp Editors to Endorse Mercer for Pres
January 18, 2008--It has been learned that the NewsLampoon.com website plans to announce sometime soon, possibly as early as this weekend, its endorsement of democratic candidate Lee J. Mercer for president.
"Someone's just gotta get around to writing it up," said a spokesperson for the website.
(Posted 7:26 a.m. EST)
Cruise Plan Derailed
January 18, 2008, Washington D.C.— A Department of Homeland Security source said Thursday the nation narrowly averted disaster in 2005 when Tom Cruise made his infamous “jump the couch” appearance on the Oprah Winfrey Show. The appearance was a crucial element of “Cruise’s plan to take over the world, a plan derailed by us, and by ‘us’ I mean us, The U.S. Government,” said the source.
Apparently Cruise’s strange and frenetic behavior, which generated so much controversy, was induced by drug-laced water given to him by a Homeland Security operative posing as a Cruise assistant.
A Winfrey Show producer says she remembers a man wandering around on the day of the show looking for “Top Gun.”
“He was kind of strange,” said the producer, “even stranger than Tom. So I just figured they were together.”
A Cruise confidant says that following the taping a bewildered Cruise told her, “I don’t know what happened. I just went nuts.”
The Homeland Security source claims the Government had feared a Cruise/Winfrey alliance. “Tom’s quick rise up the Scientology ladder really got our attention,” the source said. “We’re convinced he was going to brainwash Oprah. Can you imagine, with Oprah as his mouthpiece, the damage he could have caused? Look what she’s done for Obama. We’d all be Scientologists by now.”
Andrew Morton’s recently-released unauthorized Cruise biography reportedly describes the actor as second-in-command of the Los Angeles-based cult, known for its aggressive recruiting tactics.
Lately there has been a bizarre internet-circulated video of Cruise describing Scientologists as “authorities of the mind.”
It has been reported that Winfrey, already a media giant, plans to launch her own television network in 2009. Winfrey also owns a school in Africa.
“Talk about a two-headed monster,” said the source. “We almost became a nation of zombies, a real-life ‘Night of the Living Dead.'”
Asked who ordered the Cruise drugging, the source replied, “Let's just say it came from the real ‘Top Gun.’”
(Posted 6:37 a.m. EST)
O.J. to Visit Cuba
1-17-2008, Miami--Less than 24 hours after Clark County Nevada District Judge Jackie Glass ordered him not to leave the country, specifying that he should not even go so far as to get on a boat to go fishing, O.J. Simpson was seen early this morning at a Miami marina boarding a yacht owned by suspended NFL player Adam "Pacman" Jones.
"To Cuba!" a smiling Simpson shouted from the rail when asked of his destination. "I guess I'm being arrogant, or ignorant, or both!" he added, referring to the tongue-lashing the judge had administered the day before. Some in the Nevada courtroom had described Glass's scolding as being similar to one a perturbed mother would deliver to her unruly child.
As the vessel cruised away, Jones and Simpson clowned and waved at onlookers.
A source claims the two will be guests at Cuban dictator Fidel Castro's Havana compound. Also rumored to be in attendance are Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il and former president Jimmy Carter. The Rev. Louis Farrakhan and Iranian dictator Ahmad Ahmadinajad were said to be invited but unable to attend because they were in Moscow visiting Russian President Vladimir Putin.
Early on, there had been some question as to whether Simpson could raise the cash needed for bail, but that was taken care of by Simpson friend Tom Scotto, the owner of a North Miami Beach auto repair shop. Simpson's bail had been doubled from $125,000 to $250,000 for violating terms of his previous release. Scotto and others put up the required $37,500, 15 percent premium ordered by the judge.
Simpson has been charged with armed robbery and kidnapping and faces a possible life sentence. That trial is scheduled to begin April 7.
Asked if he thought the bail money was safe, Scotto said, "Of course. It's not like he would run or anything. Where would he go?"
Told of Simpson's departure from Miami for Cuba, Scotto said, "Really? Oh well, the bail's posted. He and Castro are pretty good friends. I just hope he comes back."
Neither Judge Glass nor Simpson attorney Yale Galanter were immediately available for comment.
(Posted 6:36 a.m. EST) Home
Kucinich Arrested in "Old-Style Brawl"
1-16-2008, Las Vegas--Democratic presidential hopeful Dennis Kucinich was arrested late last night at a Las Vegas casino in what police here labeled "an old-style brawl."
According to witnesses, Kucinich was drunk at the time of the incident.
Kucinich, angry for being excluded from last night's presidential debate, and whose legal motion for inclusion failed, decided to "take things into his own little hands," according to a spokesperson.
Surveillance video captured Kucinich drinking glass after glass of champagne and becoming increasingly belligerent as he challenged patrons and cocktail servers to "step outside." Kucinich's spokesperson maintains that the Ohio congressman (D-Ohio) was merely "challenging them to debate the issues," but one witness claims, and video seems to verify, that as she played the slot machines Kucinich intentionally spilled her bucket of quarters and then asked with a menacing voice, "What're you gonna do about it?" The spokesperson dismissed the claim, saying, "The next President of the United States of America was asking the people to take a more active role in helping to fix what's ailing this country. Spilling the quarters was a symbolic gesture meant to illustrate the present administration's wasteful spending and mis-handling of the economy."
Another patron, after being told who Kucinich was, said that he thought he had recognized the congressman but that he thought he may have been a Cirque de Soleil performer "just blowin' off some steam."
Eventually, Kucinich, apparently frustrated that no one would fight with him, punched an off-duty showgirl in the stomach. The showgirl, several inches taller than the congressman, had him pinned to the floor when security personnel broke it up. Kucinich shouted obscenities and continued to struggle as Security hauled him away to a holding room. "He's a strong little son-of-a-gun," said a sweating Dwight Parsons, one of the security guards who helped restrain Kucinich.
Asked about the congressman's strange behavior, Kucinich's spokesperson said, "What can you say? He's from Cleveland, grew up in a working-class neighborhood where you had to be tough, tenacious, which are attributes a president should have. As for the salty language, it's something he grew up with, and we don't believe it's anything he needs to apologize for. Have you ever listened to the Nixon tapes? All presidents cuss."
A source close to Kucinich says the candidate has grown increasingly frustrated during the campaign and that Kucinich, who the source describes as a "mean drunk," has increasingly turned to alcohol as a "stress reliever." "He really shouldn't drink at all," said the source.
Kucinich was released on bond and is expected to make a statement later today. Home
Romney Staffer Fired for Using Candidate as Coat Rack
1-15-2008, Detroit--A staffer at Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney's Michigan campaign headquarters was fired after carelessly tossing her coat over Romney's head. "I thought he was a statue, or a mannequin," the distraught now-former staffer explained. "He was so stiff."
Romney, campaigning throughout the state in an effort to garner votes for today's primary, had stopped in for a surprise visit.
"At first I thought he was one of those Fathead posters," said the fired staffer. A Romney spokesperson said this wasn't the first blunder by the same staffer. "A couple of weeks ago, she had five thousand 'Knute Romney For President!' posters printed up. Now this." Asked if firing the woman was too harsh a penalty, the spokesperson cited Romney's "three strikes and you're out" policy.
And what was "strike three"?
"Probably the fathead comment," the spokesperson said, adding, "But do you have any idea how long it took to fix his hair?"
Editors Page
January 2008
A Letter to Our Readers
January 30, 2008--First, thanks for reading. We know we’re not the most exciting website. We don’t have explosive graphics and sound. There is very little sex. But we try to pick the stories you want to read. Which leads to the point.
Some of you are frustrated with our news coverage, saying that all we care about is politics and the future of our country. In our defense, you must have missed the Tom Cruise and Tom Brady stories. Though, come to think of it, the Cruise story did have a political slant. So perhaps your criticisms are justified. But even more to the point.
You say we have been covering Democrats more than Republicans, MSNBC and CNN more than FOX. I repeat: we try to pick the stories you want to read.
Did you know that former president Bill Clinton gets more national and international coverage than any of the Republican candidates? Only Barack Obama and Hillary get more than “Slick Willie.” Whose dropping out of the race is more titillating, John Edwards’ or Rudy Giuliani’s? Who is surprised that Rudy endorses John McCain? Who cares? But who can honestly say they don’t want to see who Edwards endorses? How will Hillary react?
Even the Republicans are more interested in the Democrats. What was the name that came up most in the last republican debate? Hillary Clinton. Heck, they call her by her first name. What attention-getting label was lobbed back and forth like a hot horse apple between John McCain and Mitt Romney? “Democrat.” McCain and Romney calling each other "Democrat" was the "big Republican story" leading up to the resounding "thud" of the Florida primary.
Hillary down there bending the rules was actually the bigger story. And the votes didn't even count!
Simply put, Democrats are interesting, Republicans are not, with the possible exception of Larry Craig, but he’s been hiding in a closet. When he comes out, we’ll let you know.
So hang in there with us. We aim to please. But it’s an election year, which kind of ties our hands. We’ll get back to Britney and Tom when the dust dies down.
Sincerely,
Rick Ferris, Editor-in-Chief
Friday, January 18, 2008:
To Our Readers,
The NewsLampoon announced yesterday that it was about to make an announcement in support of Lee J. Mercer for President of the United States. Unfortunately, this has caused some confusion. An enthusiastic albeit pre-mature intern thought we meant Lee L. Mercer, of Texas, and went ahead and pasted his picture and a link to his website on ours.
Though the NewsLampoon still believes Lee J. Mercer is the right man for the job, the controversy this situation created has brought us to the realization that we should stay out of the president-endorsing business altogether.
We apologize to both candidates and wish them “good luck” in their bid for the highest office in the land. Perhaps they can run together, though that might cause more confusion. As a gesture of goodwill, we propose to keep Lee L. Mercer’s picture and link up on the board until such time as either we or the candidate himself deems appropriate to pull it. We offered the same courtesy to Lee J. Mercer, but he declined.
The Editors
This Month:
January 2008
Dear Readers,
I'd lost all hope. . . . Then something happened. We changed our name, our web hosting service, and voila! We're up and running. No longer the NewsLampune but the NewsLampoon! It makes so much more sense, does it not? You would not believe the time we spent just trying to come up with a name sounding like the one we have now and still have it end with dot-com! Then the fun really began. Read the entries below this one if you want to get an idea of what we went through. But that's all in the past. Now I'm feeling so confident, I'm willing to bet my last ten bucks that we'll have our blog up within the week. Any takers?
Now if I can just figure out this stupid template. . . .
Speaking of stupid, don't ever build your website at StartLogic.com. It's been four months, and they still haven't been able to get ours done. But that, as it turns out, is a good thing. Register.com, our new service, got the site up and running in less than eight hours. It could not have been easier. As a side note, I should take this opportunity to apologize to Microsoft (as if they care) for badmouthing FrontPage. Using it has turned out to be very easy. StartLogic made it hard. They made everything hard. After doing a little research, which should have been done in the first place, we discovered that this company, so highly ranked, has done nothing to us that it hasn't done to many others. They must be paying off someone to be ranked so highly (#1 on most of the lists we saw). We found so many complaints lodged against StartLogic.com for their shoddy service (wait, even shoddy service is at least a form of service--for their lack of service), their lies, and attempts to take from their customers money StartLogic didn't earn, we grew tired of reading them. According to one site, StartLogic.com lost their Better Business Bureau ranking. (We haven't verified this claim, and we're not about to try; we're not real journalists.) We considered contacting the BBB about StartLogic but decided the line would be too long. Besides, what would be the use? What does the BBB actually do besides give out their little stars, or take them back, as the case may be? What about suing the bastards? I thought. We'd probably have to get in line there, too. Besides, StartLogic is way too big for li'l ole us to fight, wet-winged fledglings that we are. We couldn't afford it. So we'll just continue to squawk about them at any opportunity we get.
Sincerely,
Editor-in-Chief
Archives:
The following "from the Editor" entries, in reverse order, were made while we were with StartLogic.com.
December 2007
Dear Readers,
In the year twenty-five twenty-five, if man is still alive, if woman can survive. . . .
November 2007
Dear Readers,
I'm still trying. People are jumping ship. . . .
October 2007
Dear Readers,
Don't ever let anyone tell you that putting one of these things together is easy. It's not. Right now, I have little hope that any of you will ever see this. Not for any of the usual reasons, whatever they are, but because I can't figure out how to upload this stupid FrontPage program to the web host. I've spent countless hours trying and have nothing to show for it but a smashed keyboard and two shattered coffee cups. I'm a proud man, maybe too proud. I refuse to ask for help. I won't even click the little "help" button. See, I'm "old school." I believe you should learn from your mistakes or quit. I've done neither, but soon, soon . . . something's gonna give. . . .
Signed,
Editor-in-Chief (of what!)
September 2007
Dear Readers,
I don't know jack-squat about news-writing, websites, and the like, so why do I, a regular sort of fellow with only a passing interest in anything that doesn't directly affect himself (like sports), feel qualified to start this? I don't, but when I look around, I don't like what I see. My nephew Robby writes funnier stuff than most of what I've seen in most of the other magazines, 'zines, newspapers, and newsletters. So, welcome to "The Lampune," as we've fondly come to call it during the week or so since its inception, we hope you like it.
Why the NewsLampune? We like the sound of it, not exactly funny but cocky. It sounds like "impugn" and "tribune." It's a shining "lamp" and contains other words like "slam," "ews," "une," "amp," and "pun." see contest There's another word that it sounds like, but no one can think of it as of this writing.
We'll keep the hit-counter going until we feel secure enough to turn it off.
Sincerely,
Editor-in-Chief
Opinion
January 2008
In Your Head
By Keith Rottweiler, NewsLampoon columnist
I’ve been living with my “master” for about two months. Do you know what I do for him? Not much. I give him a slimy tennis ball; he gives me filet mignon flavored with bacon. I stand by the door; he opens it for me. I defecate; he pets me. I get on the bed; he pets me. I lie on the floor; he pets me some more. He really likes it when I tilt my head to the side and look “cute” for him. He reaches into his pocket and gives me filet mignon flavored with bacon.
I don’t have to say a word. I get inside his head.
I am four months old.
I know this sounds condescending. I love my “master.” He knows this, in the way humans know, but it’s hard for him to understand. See, we dogs have this power. It’s called “true understanding.” All animals, including humans, have it. Nothing is more important. Humans have forgotten this.
I’m sorry. That was a generalization. Most humans have forgotten. Babies use this power before taking in useless ideas and information and forgetting what’s really important. Why do you suppose we get along so well?
Some humans would call this faculty of understanding “ESP” or “psychic ability.” “Intuition” is probably closer to what it really is, but that’s not it precisely. “Instinct” is close, but still not quite. It’s like listening. But this attempt to explain is useless. Unfortunately, there are no human words to fully explain true understanding. Ironic, isn’t it? The problem is your language. It’s not pure. It muddies everything up.
One thing humans have that dogs don’t: hands. Do you know how I typed this up? My human friend did it for me. It probably will not turn out exactly how I want it, but it will be a start. Training, especially when it involves deprogramming, is painstaking and tricky business. Obvious results don’t happen overnight. I’m lucky. I have a human who tries to understand. He’s receptive and eager to please, unlike so many of you. He doesn’t know that I put the idea into his head. What he thinks is this: I know, I’ll write something from Keith’s point of view.
That thing when I tilt my head to the side? I’m feeding information into his brain. “Uploading,” you might call it.
Let him think he thought of it. Let him write it, “download” it, to pursue this silly metaphor. I’m probably sleeping right now, curled up warm in his bed while he attempts to tap out my thoughts, not quite accurately, but trying to get it right. I think it’s noble of him to try. He’s a good human.
A quick word about Michael Vick. Did you know the judge in his case is a dog lover? More and more of you are. Some of you do understand, as well as you are able, and we credit that. But how do you suppose it happens?
The NewsLamp welcomes columnist Ariel Trebuchet. Ariel’s opinions, however, are her own and should not be taken as those of The NewsLampoon, Inc. The following is Ariel’s first column.
The Editors.
Oh, Canada! You Backstabbers!
By Ariel Trebuchet, Columnist
January 24, 2008, Washington, DC—The Canadians think we’re meanies. They put us on a “mean list,” along with China and Iran. That is to say the Canadian diplomat training manual identifies the United States as torturers.
Well, wah-wah-wah!
Who cares what Canada thinks anyway, much less their diplomats? What has Canada done for us lately beyond sell our kids hydroponics kits so they can grow their marijuana gardens indoors?
Oh, I forgot. Canadians sell them the seeds, too.
Oh, Canada! What great neighbors you are!
You provide safe-haven for our murderers and draft-dodgers. You help terrorists enter into our country.
Oh, Canada! Nurturer of scoundrels!
So we do a little “waterboarding.” Who cares!
Does “waterboarding” sound like torture? Have you ever gone surfing and had water go up your nose? Ever had to take nose drops? That’s about what it amounts to. I confess that when I was a little girl, I would fight like the dickens when my mother brought out the nose drop syringe. So you pour a little water down a terrorist’s nose. It makes the terrorist uncomfortable, gives him a noseache. Do you really care if a terrorist is uncomfortable? He should be uncomfortable!
But is it torture? “In the know” people don’t think it is. Just as Mom had my best interest in her heart when she gave me my nose drops, President Bush had ours in his when he decided to allow our interrogators to waterboard. Who knows how many lives have been saved because of it?
We are President Bush’s children. And, like children, we don’t always know what’s best for us. The way Canada and most of Europe has it, you would think President Bush was Lord of the Inquisition. Well he’s not. The Inquisition took place in Europe, not America. Americans do not torture people, in spite of what former homeland security head Tom Ridge, presidential candidate John McCain and other unpatriotic people assert. Hey, McCain, you’d make a great president—of Canada!
Oh, Canada! Land of large, snowy spaces!
You had better hope credible science is right about global warming--that it’s nothing more than an Al Gore-endorsed theory--or that the lights in your marijuana factories don't get too hot. Who’s going to rescue you if you melt?
Oh, Canada! We hope you drown!
Sports
January 2008
Pats’ Brady: 'I should be able to play'
January 23, 2008, New York—Reportedly, New England head coach Bill Belichick has no worries concerning glamour-boy quarterback Tom Brady’s “injured” ankle. The rumor swirling in the cold Boston air is that the protective boot Brady has been wearing is a smoke-screen to divert attention from what really ails him.
“That’s true,” confirmed a snickering team mate who wishes to remain anonymous. “It ain’t Tom’s ankle Coach is worried about. Let’s just say Tom should’ve worn a boot on another part of his body. I ain’t sayin’ where.”
“Who told you that?” asked a furious Belichick, known for his “close-to-the-vest” approach to the team’s relations with media.
Tommy, you gotta lotta ‘splainin’ to do. . . .
Just hours after winning the AFC Championship game, Brady was photographed entering girlfriend-model Gisele Bundchen’s New York apartment building with a bouquet of flowers. The two were later seen “out on the town,” but Bundchen’s demeanor was described by one paparazzo as “frosty.”
A long-time Brady friend says that when the Patriots traveled to Florida to play the Dolphins, Brady was spotted in South Beach cavorting with rocker Courtney Love
I warned Tom about her,” the friend said. “She’s had her eye on
him for a while. But when he gets something in his mind, there’s no
stopping him. That’s why he’s such a great player.”
So how does this all tie in with Brady’s limp?
“’Limp,’” said the anonymous team mate. “That’s a funny choice of words. Limp ain’t Tom’s problem. That man’s got to learn to stay at home, if you know what I mean. Now I ain’t sayin’ no more. I’d like to be playin’ here next year.”
“No one visits Courtney and leaves without a little something to remember her by,” said Brady's friend. “Now [Brady is] eating penicillin by the handful.”
“I’ll be ready for [next season’s] opener,” said Brady as he waited for a limo outside of Bundchen’s building. “I’ve had to deal with this sort of thing before. It’s nothing new.”
And what about the ankle?
“That’s what I’m talking about,” Brady answered. “The ankle.”
And the Super Bowl?
“Oh, yeah. The Super Bowl. I should be able to play. But if I can’t, the backup can handle [the New York Giants].”
Do you mean backup quarterback Matt Cassell?
“Yeah, that’s him. I can never remember the dude’s name. No disrespect to Matt. I’ve just got a lot on my mind.”
(Posted 8:28 a.m. EST)
ALDS
Thursday: Cleveland 12, New York 0
Friday: Cleveland 14, New York 3
NFL
Sunday: Cleveland 38, New England 0
sunday story
Sunday, January 27, 2008
lizard-brain
an illustrated california romance
By Robert Pope
How Lizard-Brain met his untimely end and the nomadic King Weasel
claimed his lady and set out to find a kingdom of his own
1
Illustration #1: idyllic rendering of two buddies riding the coast highway with girls on the backs of their motorcycles/caption: They believed they were the best friends in the world!
Once in a valley just outside of Los Angeles, two unpleasant boys grew into two unpleasant young men. Both of the unpleasant young men rode motorcycles about the streets at all hours of the day and night and carried attractive but unpleasant young women on the backs of their bikes, though it may be supposed neither noticed their ladies' unpleasantness. They found it hilarious when the thicker boy's sweetheart told him that to her he was just another big d---.
One day the thicker of the two tall fellows, who wanted to be known as The Weasel, sometimes King Weasel, went into a skid and lost the young woman off the back of his motorcycle. Her wound was too unpleasant to go into at the beginning of their narrative; suffice it to say that she did not ride on the back of King Weasel's motorcycle anymore.
Now, it so happened that Weasel had nursed an interest in his friend's young woman for quite a while, as his thinner companion had nursed an interest in the young woman who had ridden the back of his bike. Heretofore, this mutuality of covetousness had caused no trouble between them, had, in fact, cemented their friendship. They believed they were the best friends in the world.
2
Illustration #2: image from behind Lady Sherry on Insanely hurt Lizard-Brain screaming wildly at her/ caption: “I'll kill you!" he screamed.
Now the thin young man wanted to be called Lizard-Brain, or was called Lizard-Brain, sometimes Prince Lizard-Brain, and had accepted it to the extent of a lizard tattoo on his right shoulder. Now it so happened that Prince Lizard-Brain suspected King Weasel, as Weasel would have suspected Lizard-Brain, and cast narrowed eyes at him from time to time. He said unpleasant things, such as, "Friend or no friend, if you're f---ing Sherry I'll kick your a--." To which The Weasel said, "Friend or no friend, if you try it, you will have to search for your skinny, mangled Lizard d--- among the weeds back of the school."
This satisfied Prince Lizard-Brain a while, but the loss of Weasel's woman created imbalance in their friendship. The King cast a jealous eye on his friend's lady; she had had her eye on him for some time. Wounded woman out of the picture, they found occasion for prolonged and hearty fornication one merry afternoon beside a thin creek among high weeds, bushes, and trees, behind both the high school out of which they had dropped and the skinny derriere of the absent friend.
Lizard knew nothing of this until he tried to make love with his lady again, in the very place. She stood before him with her sweet hands curled in fists, pink mouth in a sneer, a person he had never seen, too tall and fair of shape, too pale of skin, a knock-out with slinky black hair, clad all in black: black leather cap and jacket, black jeans with shining studs, high, narrow boots.
"I f---ed your friend!" she shouted in his face, with a venomous little smirk.
"I'll kill you!" he screamed.
3
Illustration #3: image from behind Lizard-Brain of King Weasel picking his teeth with his knife and Lady Sherry pointing a pistol/ caption: "She says my c--- is bigger than yours."
Prepared for any unpleasantness, the attractive young woman withdrew a pistol with which King Weasel had provided her from inside her leather jacket and proclaimed, "Try it and I'll blow your d--- off."
This angered Lizard-Brain, whose imagination became suffused with a deep crimson against which he seemed to see his tall, thick friend with greater clarity than he had ever seen him before. There he was in his new (matching) leather cap with bill, black leather jacket with the zippers, oily jeans, and thick black boots with the chains about the ankle.
With visionary clarity, Lizard-Brain saw The Weasel's face before him, tanned and dirty, redolent with blackheads, blue eyes glistening like nasty stones from under cave-like brows--the wide nose, the strong, wide mouth, replete with square white teeth, the grin! It made Lizard-Brain's fury turn insane until he realized that The Weasel had, in fact, stepped from the bushes behind his woman, picking his teeth with the wide, serrated blade of his knife. He put his arm around Lizard's lady and grinned at his consternation.
"She says my c--- ’s bigger than yours."
4
Illustration #4: image of sulking Prince Lizard-Brain/ caption: He felt like a kid and hated it.
Lizard-Brain's face turned purple, blotches of red providing the only link to his normally fair skin. His long, blonde hair hung down one side, covering one green eye. He was a long nose in a long face, a wide, thin mouth--helpless and silly as he passed from fury to frustration to fear and from thence into Hurt City.
"Why, Weasel? Why Sherry? Man! What have you two got against me? Man! Why'd you two gang up on me? What'd I do to you?"
"You got boring, Lizard-Brain," Sherry said.
“You had her," The Weasel said, pointing with the knife. Lizard-Brain's eyes ticked back and forth between them, marking awful, empty time between the future and the past. Fingertips in the pockets of his leather pants, he tossed the hair out of his eyes. He felt like a kid and hated it.
5
Illustration #5: nightmare image of mayhem on a mountain road/ caption: "He's starting to bum me out, Weasel."
"You d---!" he shouted at The Weasel. "You big f---ing d---!”
"The biggest," said The Weasel, with a grin.
"You c---!" Lizard screamed at Sherry--trees were waving all about his head. The breeze fired the hot coals sprouting where his eyes had lived. "You f---ing c---! I hope you two get a case of the c--- that rots your b---s off!"
"I don't have any b---s," said Sherry.
"Whoops," said The Weasel, touching the tip of his knife to his pursed lips. "I do."
Tears popped out of Lizard-Brain's squinched eyes like little cannon b---s. His long nose had two distinct wrinkles in it. His lips turned bright red.
"I hope you two f---ing die!" he screamed. "I hope you wipe out on the highway and scrape your d--- off, Weasel! I hope you grind your t--s off on the pavement somewhere lonely as hell, Sherry."
"Whoa there little brother," said The Weasel. "Don't get carried away."
"I hope you wipe out somewhere around Albuquerque and get zipped into body bags or smeared like pizza sauce on the side of a canyon!"
"Whoa there little Lizard-Brain," said The Weasel. "You are getting carried away."
"I hope you two get your legs cut off rear ending a truck that stops suddenly on a mountain road so no one knows until the truck goes through a town that the top halves of your bodies are stuck on the back of the f---ing truck and your g------ed legs are running around together somewhere in Tulsa trying to get it on without eyes!"
Lizard-Brain's hands came out of his pockets and made two fingers on each run around in mid-air, bumping into each other, falling down.
"He's starting to bum me out, Weasel."
6
Illustration #6: image of Prince Lizard-Brain, temporarily insane, leaping with hands outstretched/ caption: One hand found The Weasel's face, the other found Sherry's.
But the Lizard couldn't stop. "I guess you know about Sherry's c---? Three miners have been lost in there for six years. Every once-in-a-while you can see the light of their lanterns!"
"He's a wicked little hombre, isn't he?"
"He always gets like this. That's why he's so boring. That's why he bores me to death. He likes to talk like this for hours. When we go at it his mouth never stops, saying any kind of s--- that comes into his head."
"Is that right?"
"You bet it's right. He doesn't even know I'm there. Might as well be j---ing o--."
"Whoa! Put-down! How can you take s--- like that, little Lizard? Man, I'd go nuts. I couldn't take this b---- talking to me the way she talks to you."
"Yeah," Sherry sneered, "well, that's because I'm not afraid of him any more. He's just a little Lizard. I don't give a s--- what happens to him. I'd just as soon see him dead."
"Now, wait a minute, Sherry," Weasel interposed. "This is Lizard-Brain you're talking about. What would we use for a-- wipe if he weren't around?"
Lizard-Brain leaped, screaming as he came, hands raised, fingers curled into claws, face completely purple, red lips drawn back, teeth naked. One hand found The Weasel's face, the other found Sherry's.
7
Illustration. #7: tender image of King Weasel comforting Lady Sherry/ caption: "Everywhere we go, there'll be people who want to kill us."
Sherry and The Weasel tumbled back under the length and weight of Lizard-Brain, who kept screaming and twisting his fingers until his eyes opened extraordinarily wide and his mouth opened wider than could be imagined and the inevitable fork of blood ran down his tongue.
When his eyes looked into Weasel's with accusation and a promise of eternal karmic vengeance, they pierced the thick boy's armor down to the place where he had stuck his friend with the long knife. Then did King Weasel turn his head to look at his Lady Sherry where she gulped for air beneath the twitching frame of Lizard-Brain.
”Let's get out of here, baby," Sherry said.
"You got a point," said Weasel, who gave a kick that made Prince Lizard's rear end hump but failed to move him otherwise. He pushed with both hands until The Lizard rose, blond hair down his dangling face. Weasel flexed, threw his friend aside, and he and Sherry looked at each other with lust and apprehension.
"S---!" said Weasel. "I think the boy is dead."
They sat up staring at The Lizard-Brain, noticed where they were--by the creek, in weeds and trees and bushes down behind the high school out of which the three of them had dropped before King Weasel's woman had received her wound. They experienced a momentary longing for a fairer time before it came crashing down on them that the little paradise they created for themselves had ended. He spoke with pity.
"We just killed a man."
"You just killed a man."
"You held a gun on him."
"And I can hold it on you."
”Now, Sweetie, lower that thing. That won't get you anywhere. How far you think you'd get alone?"
He put his arm around Sherry and she leaned into him, crying softly.
"You and me, Sherry. We've got to stick together. Everywhere we go, there'll be people who want to kill us."
8
Illustration #8: image of The Weasel kneeling beside Lizard-Brain/ caption: "That'd be what he'd want."
Now Lady Sherry sobbed, and tears streamed down King Weasel's face as well. They lay in each other's arms, thrashing frantically until they finally pulled their pants up and buckled their belts again, knowing they would have to deal with the world. Weasel kneeled beside Prince Lizard as he took off his gloves one finger at a time.
"We can't just leave him here," he said as he slipped the knife out of his belly. "We've got to do something."
"You mean, like find some place to hide him for a while, to give us time to get away?"
"Sweetie, I ain't gonna hide this boy's body and go sneaking away like I've done something wrong."
He looked down on his buddy and shook his head.
"Can't you see cops finding Lizard-Brain and wondering what sniveling, sneaking piece of dog s--- killed and ran?"
He looked up in the direction of the high school.
”I'm leaving him right here. That way some high school kid will find him at recess, or lunch time, some kid shagging flies, some teacher searching for smokers. That's who should find him, not cops going through the trash. Maybe some boy and girl coming down to f--- their brains out by the creek."
The Weasel was cleaning his knife on the grass.
"Maybe they won't even see him at first. Maybe they'll be f---ing right beside him in the grass and he'll feel the vibrations through the dirt. That'd be nice. That'd be what he'd want.
9
Illustration #9: dramatic image of King Weasel and Lady Sherry riding the coast highway into a huge round moon/ caption: ...forevers of sweet air and sunburn!
He kneeled beside his buddy and pulled one boot and one long, dirty sock off one of Lizard's feet. Sherry kneeled beside him, staring at the pasty foot. "Lizard's foot," he said. He held it up to her. She looked into his glittering eyes and whispered, "You're a beautiful man!"
It was growing dark when he helped her up and slipped his arm around her waist. They climbed out of the culvert and crossed the wide expanse of empty playing field toward the big, brick school, her weight against him an assurance of life's promises, his friend's sock a sad pennant at his side. At the parking lot, he placed a meditative hand on Lizard's bike before removing the gas cap to stuff one end of the sock inside. He mounted his own bike and looked into the distance as Sherry slid behind.
"Somewhere out there, darlin'," he told her, "is a kingdom all our own."
He revved the engine, lit the end of Lizard's sock, and roared onto the solemn highways of the future, watching in his mirror until the purple twilight grew a sudden orange blossom that sent them on their way with heat and light and noise, promising forevers of sweet air and sunburn.
This story first appeared in Rubber City.
Robert Pope’s books include a novel, Jack's Universe, and a collection of stories, Private Acts.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
THE WRITER
by Rick Bishop
I have worked hard on this, trying to make something that will last until someone reads it. I have shown it to the instructor from the community college. He has helped me, though each time I have to remind him who I am.
"Oh, you," he answers, looking away. "Yes, I remember now."
At first, when I took what I had to him, the words would be gone from the pages before he could read them, as if I had used disappearing ink. But together we have managed, finally, to invent a style that, even though it is mostly mine, stays on the page.
I used to make a decent living at something, though I would have to remind my employer to pay me because payroll kept losing my name. I have since quit the job. I now make my living by appearing on television. You have probably seen me before, but if I told you my name you would not remember it. No one does, not even the hosts of the television programs on which I appear.
My only remarkable physical quality is that I am unremarkable. I am of average height, with brown hair and hazel eyes. My skin is pale, though not sickly pale. My eyes, nose, mouth, and cheekbones are all placed where they should be placed. I am not handsome, but neither am I ugly. If I were food, I would be plain oatmeal. I say this without bitterness. I have come to accept this as my lot in life.
Recently, on my way to the drug store a few blocks from my apartment building, I saw an old, white-haired woman standing at the mailbox in front of her house. As I reached her, she took off her eyeglasses, which were attached to a beaded string she wore around her neck. She pursed her lips and put a wrinkled, liver-spotted hand to her knitted brow, disappointed.
This is the way it always happens.
"I'm sorry," I said.
She looked at me with her rheumy blue eyes. Her hand, still at her brow, was shaking.
"Who are you?" she asked in a voice like pieces of sandstone being scraped together.
I handed her my card. She held her spectacles to her eyes and read it. She tried to speak, but all that came was a congested croak. She held up a finger, signaling me to wait. Following a series of phlegmy coughs, she was able to say, "You ought to be ashamed of yourself."
"I'm sorry," I said once again and began walking away. There is little to be gained from one's trying to explain something one does not understand oneself.
"I'm going to call the police," she said. "I know who you are now. I have your card."
I turned and nodded. "That will be fine, ma'am," I said. "They can reach me at the number on the card. Have a nice day."
A few weeks later, I received a phone call. At first, all I could hear were crackling sounds. I thought it was a bad connection. Then I heard her voice, and realized the sounds I had heard had been coming from her.
"I'm having you investigated," she said.
"Yes, ma'am. Would you like my address?" I said.
There was a pause. I could hear her breathing.
"How about you take mine?" she said.
When she answered the door, she said, "I hope you're not selling anything, because I don't have any money."
I told her who I was.
"Oh," she said, unlocking the screen door, "I didn't recognize you. You look different than I remembered."
The house was clean, full of dark-varnished, antique-looking furniture, the tables protected with what looked like doilies. The air smelled like old wood.
"Want some tea?" she asked after I sat down.
I didn't, but I accepted because I thought she might like it if I did.
"All I have is Lipton's," she said. "It's in the cupboard above the stove. You'll have to make it yourself. My legs are too tired."
She sat down and put her feet up on a footrest protected by the same lacy material that covered the tables. She wore orthopedic shoes that were brilliantly glossy.
"Teapot's on the stove. Make me a cup, too," she said, closing her eyes and resting her head against the back of her chair.
I went into the kitchen, found the tea and heated the pot. When I returned, I set her tea on the table beside her chair. She didn't seem to notice. Her eyes were still closed. I thought she might be sleeping. Taking my place on the sofa on the other side of the room, I sipped my tea and watched her, then finished my tea and took the cup and saucer back to the kitchen.
"Had you worried, didn't I?" she said when I came back. She had her cup and saucer in her lap.
"Yes, ma'am," I said.
"I can hold my breath for over a minute," she said.
"That's very good, ma'am," I said. "That's better than I could do."
I have since sold everything I owned and moved in with her. I massage her tired legs, and she places her hand on my cheek and calls me dear heart. She wears a locket with my picture inside, to prevent her from forgetting, but sometimes she does anyway.
"I'd remember if I wasn't so old," she tells me.
But I know better.