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By Keith Rottweiler, NewsLampoon columnist
I’ve been living with my “master” for about two
months. Do you know what I do for him? Not much. I give him a slimy
tennis ball; he gives me filet mignon flavored with bacon. I stand by the
door; he opens it for me. I defecate; he pets me. I get on the bed; he
pets me. I lie on the floor; he pets me some more. He really
likes it when I tilt my head to the side and look “cute” for him. He
reaches into his pocket and gives me filet mignon flavored with bacon.
I don’t have to say a word. I get inside his
head.
I am four months old.
I know this sounds condescending. I love my
“master.” He knows this, in the way humans know, but it’s hard for him to
understand. See, we dogs have this power. It’s called “true
understanding.” All animals, including humans, have it. Nothing is more
important. Humans have forgotten this.
I’m sorry. That was a generalization. Most
humans have forgotten. Babies use this power before taking in useless
ideas and information and forgetting what’s really important. Why
do you suppose we get along so well?
Some humans would call this faculty of
understanding “ESP” or “psychic ability.” “Intuition” is probably closer
to what it really is, but that’s not it precisely. “Instinct” is close,
but still not quite. It’s like listening. But this attempt to explain is
useless. Unfortunately, there are no human words to fully explain true
understanding. Ironic, isn’t it? The problem is your language. It’s not
pure. It muddies everything up.
One thing humans have that dogs don’t: hands. Do
you know how I typed this up? My human friend did it for me. It probably
will not turn out exactly how I want it, but it will be a start.
Training, especially when it involves deprogramming, is painstaking and
tricky business. Obvious results don’t happen overnight. I’m lucky. I
have a human who tries to understand. He’s receptive and eager to
please, unlike so many of you. He doesn’t know that I put the idea into
his head. What he thinks is this: I know, I’ll write something from
Keith’s point of view.
That thing when I tilt my head to
the side? I’m feeding information into his brain. “Uploading,”
you might call it.
Let him think he thought of it. Let him write it,
“download” it, to pursue this silly metaphor. I’m probably sleeping right
now, curled up warm in his bed while he attempts to tap out my thoughts,
not quite accurately, but trying to get it right. I think it’s noble of
him to try. He’s a good human.
A quick word about Michael Vick. Did you know the
judge in his case is a dog lover? More and more of you are. Some of you
do understand, as well as you are able, and we credit that. But
how do you suppose it happens?
The NewsLampoon--Twisted News, Humor & Satire
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