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By Herm Welty, Political correspondent
January 25, 2008, Washington, DC--Reportedly
set on another run at the presidency, Al Gore will unveil a groundbreaking
tax proposal Monday that opponents label as little more than "hot air."
The proposed “Fart Tax” would levy small fines on
those who pass gas in public, thereby raising money against the federal deficit
while simultaneously slowing the rapid increase of greenhouse gases,
according to a source close to the former democratic nominee.
Gore is expected to reveal the plan at a Washington,
D.C. press conference scheduled for Monday morning.
The mechanics of levying the tax are problematic,
but Gore believes the government could recruit volunteers to monitor
public spaces, said the source.
“There’s a little tattletale in most of us, and
that’s always been a big part of Al’s appeal.”
While conceding that private farting probably can’t
be regulated, the source says Gore’s plan calls for prebates to heads of
households who are willing to alter their family’s diet.
“The prebate would be paid directly to the consumer
at the supermarket in the form of coupons,” said the source. “Cashiers
will be trained to discount every shopping bill over $50 that does not
include any natural grains, beans, beer or fruit products.”
An angry Mike Huckabee said in a phone interview
Friday that he saw Gore’s expected candidacy, and the Fart Tax, coming.
“Everyone knew Al Gore was just biding his time,” said Huckabee. “The man’s a proven plagiarist, and
everyone knows he’s full of hot air. We saw it, everybody saw it
building up, so the official release, when it comes, will surprise no one.
The
Fart Tax is pretty much a byproduct of Al being Al. I think it
stinks.”
Gore plans to unveil the full plan, entitled
"A Convenient Truth," in a series of
multi-media PowerPoint presentations next week. A team of consultants will hash out strategies over the weekend.
"Jeans or slacks? Sweaters or jackets?
These are some of the important questions under review," said Stephen
“Cojo” Cojocaru, Gore's chief image consultant.
"He’s well on his way to a full beard already.
Mark my words--facial
hair will differentiate Al from Hillary, of course, but we also have it on
good authority that Barack can’t grow one, either. John Edwards
doesn't really count, but he wouldn't grow one anyway. He's much too
vain.” (Posted 12:41
ET; updated 3:51 p.m.)
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