| News Lampoon | God Endorses Obama! | |||
| 'I shall use All My Resources,' saith The Lord! From a revelation March 3, 2008, Chicago--Appearing in the form of Minister Louis Farrakhan of Chicago, Barack Obama's home town, The Lord announced His endorsement of Senator Obama for president. "As I hath said before through Minister Farrakhan," said The Lord through Minister Farrakhan, "next to Me, Barack Hussein Obama is 'The Hope of the Entire World,' and I shall use All My Resources to ensure that Barack taketh his proper place, and that is in the White House, which hath many rooms. As Proof of this, I shall send an Ice Storm to Ohio to Disrupt Tomorrow's Primary." The Lord's endorsement comes as a surprise to many political observers. "I had always thought God preferred Republicans," said columnist and FOX News contributor Charles Krauthammer. "But thinking about it, I don't know why I thought that. To my knowledge, this is the first time He has endorsed anyone." "I think the Christian God prefers Republicans," said Bill Kristol, "but that has yet to be documented. What's most puzzling to me, though, is that I thought there was only one God." "There is only One God!" thundered The Lord when told of Kristol's comment. The Lord believes that an ice storm will work in Obama's favor because the Illinois senator's young, energetic supporters are more likely to brave the elements to place their votes. Senator Clinton's base in Ohio is largely made up of women over sixty, who, it is believed, are less likely to risk their lives to vote in a primary.
"In My Opinion," The Lord said, "this should do the trick, but if this Trick does not work, there are other Plagues I can visit upon stiff-necked Ohio and Texas. My Commandment to stubborn Hillary supporters in these states, and this includes you, Vermont and Rhode Island, is: Stay ye home. Thou shalt not participate in tomorrow's Democratic primaries and caucuses! Thus saith The Lord!" A defiant Hillary Clinton, campaigning in Akron, Ohio, issued this response: "The Lord should be ashamed of Himself. This is a new low, even for Him." |
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