Last updated 08/17/2008 11:48:04 AM Refresh for latest updates |
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Dear Mister Teacher, I am unable to turn in my project due to the fact that an innocent life was at risk if I did not do something about it. I was building a super gun that could cure cancer, stop global warming, create world peace, stop world hunger, and skip Mondays. As I was working, my mom informed me of the fact that my grandfather's cousin's nephew's son was suffering from a rare, deadly liver disease called faykdeseesitis. I immediately realized something must be done about this. I researched the disease and found that there was no known cure other than the difficult procedure practiced by Cranioectymologists. Of course, as you know, this involves removal of the brain, skull, and everything above the neck, stopping faykdiseesitis in its tracks. Unfortunately, this procedure is very dangerous to humans, although it has been proven effective with chickens. I decided that maybe I could come up with a way to cure this awful disease without removing someone's head. I looked at the plans for my super gun and noticed that if I just switched a couple of wires, I could create an anti-faykdiseesitis super blaster! I began work on it right away, but became conscious of the fact that I would have to improvise, as I did not have the correct materials, , , , After I returned from the kitchen with our new toaster, our microwave, and some of the chocolate cake from the fridge, I began work on my blaster. A few hours later, I stepped back, wiped the chocolate off of my my face, and marveled at the wondrous feat I now call the Super Disease-Curing Gun, or SDCG. I rushed to the hospital to save my grandfather's cousin's nephew's son, where they informed me that I am my grandfather's cousin's nephew's son! I tried to run and save myself, but they had already called in the Cranioectymologists! Loving my head as much as I do, I shot myself with my SDGC and was immediately cured of my horrid disease. When I woke up, the doctors were looking at the SDGC, obviously amazed that a kid my age had created such a device. They confiscated it, and later I found out they got a patent for it, even though it's mine! So I have my project, I am just not legally allowed to call it mine, or show it to you or anyone else. Ever. But I will bring in my mutated hamster next week.
Sincerely, Robby |
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The NewsLampoon.com is a satirical news website published by NewsLampoon, Inc. The News Lampoon uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. © Copyright 2008 by NewsLampoon. The News Lampoon is not intended for readers under 18 years of age. Last updated: 08/17/08.
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