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Editors Page A Letter to Our Readers January 30, 2008--First, thanks for reading. We know we’re not the most exciting website. We don’t have explosive graphics and sound. There is very little sex. But we try to pick the stories you want to read. Which leads to the point. Some of you are frustrated with our news coverage, saying that all we care about is politics and the future of our country. In our defense, you must have missed the Tom Cruise and Tom Brady stories. Though, come to think of it, the Cruise story did have a political slant. So perhaps your criticisms are justified. But even more to the point. You say we have been covering Democrats more than Republicans, MSNBC and CNN more than FOX. I repeat: we try to pick the stories you want to read. Did you know that former president Bill Clinton gets more national and international coverage than any of the Republican candidates? Only Barack Obama and Hillary get more than “Slick Willie.” Whose dropping out of the race is more titillating, John Edwards’ or Rudy Giuliani’s? Who is surprised that Rudy endorses John McCain? Who cares? But who can honestly say they don’t want to see who Edwards endorses? How will Hillary react? Even the Republicans are more interested in the Democrats. What was the name that came up most in the last republican debate? Hillary Clinton. Heck, they call her by her first name. What attention-getting label was lobbed back and forth like a hot horse apple between John McCain and Mitt Romney? “Democrat.” McCain and Romney calling each other "Democrat" was the "big Republican story" leading up to the resounding "thud" of the Florida primary. Hillary down there bending the rules was actually the bigger story. And the votes didn't even count! Simply put, Democrats are interesting, Republicans are not, with the possible exception of Larry Craig, but he’s been hiding in a closet. When he comes out, we’ll let you know. So hang in there with us. We aim to please. But it’s an election year, which kind of ties our hands. We’ll get back to Britney and Tom when the dust dies down. Sincerely, Rick Ferris, Editor-in-Chief
Friday, January 18, 2008: To Our Readers, The NewsLampoon announced yesterday that it was about to make an announcement in support of Lee J. Mercer for President of the United States. Unfortunately, this has caused some confusion. An enthusiastic albeit pre-mature intern thought we meant Lee L. Mercer, of Texas, and went ahead and pasted his picture and a link to his website on ours. Though the NewsLampoon still believes Lee J. Mercer is the right man for the job, the controversy this situation created has brought us to the realization that we should stay out of the president-endorsing business altogether. We apologize to both candidates and wish them “good luck” in their bid for the highest office in the land. Perhaps they can run together, though that might cause more confusion. As a gesture of goodwill, we propose to keep Lee L. Mercer’s picture and link up on the board until such time as either we or the candidate himself deems appropriate to pull it. We offered the same courtesy to Lee J. Mercer, but he declined. The Editors
This Month: January 2008 Dear Readers, I'd lost all hope. . . . Then something happened. We changed our name, our web hosting service, and voila! We're up and running. No longer the NewsLampune but the NewsLampoon! It makes so much more sense, does it not? You would not believe the time we spent just trying to come up with a name sounding like the one we have now and still have it end with dot-com! Then the fun really began. Read the entries below this one if you want to get an idea of what we went through. But that's all in the past. Now I'm feeling so confident, I'm willing to bet my last ten bucks that we'll have our blog up within the week. Any takers? Now if I can just figure out this stupid template. . . . Speaking of stupid, don't ever build your website at StartLogic.com. It's been four months, and they still haven't been able to get ours done. But that, as it turns out, is a good thing. Register.com, our new service, got the site up and running in less than eight hours. It could not have been easier. As a side note, I should take this opportunity to apologize to Microsoft (as if they care) for badmouthing FrontPage. Using it has turned out to be very easy. StartLogic made it hard. They made everything hard. After doing a little research, which should have been done in the first place, we discovered that this company, so highly ranked, has done nothing to us that it hasn't done to many others. They must be paying off someone to be ranked so highly (#1 on most of the lists we saw). We found so many complaints lodged against StartLogic.com for their shoddy service (wait, even shoddy service is at least a form of service--for their lack of service), their lies, and attempts to take from their customers money StartLogic didn't earn, we grew tired of reading them. According to one site, StartLogic.com lost their Better Business Bureau ranking. (We haven't verified this claim, and we're not about to try; we're not real journalists.) We considered contacting the BBB about StartLogic but decided the line would be too long. Besides, what would be the use? What does the BBB actually do besides give out their little stars, or take them back, as the case may be? What about suing the bastards? I thought. We'd probably have to get in line there, too. Besides, StartLogic is way too big for li'l ole us to fight, wet-winged fledglings that we are. We couldn't afford it. So we'll just continue to squawk about them at any opportunity we get. Sincerely, Editor-in-Chief
Archives: The following "from the Editor" entries, in reverse order, were made while we were with StartLogic.com.
December 2007 Dear Readers, In the year twenty-five twenty-five, if man is still alive, if woman can survive. . . .
November 2007 Dear Readers, I'm still trying. People are jumping ship. . . .
October 2007 Dear Readers, Don't ever let anyone tell you that putting one of these things together is easy. It's not. Right now, I have little hope that any of you will ever see this. Not for any of the usual reasons, whatever they are, but because I can't figure out how to upload this stupid FrontPage program to the web host. I've spent countless hours trying and have nothing to show for it but a smashed keyboard and two shattered coffee cups. I'm a proud man, maybe too proud. I refuse to ask for help. I won't even click the little "help" button. See, I'm "old school." I believe you should learn from your mistakes or quit. I've done neither, but soon, soon . . . something's gonna give. . . . Signed, Editor-in-Chief (of what!)
September 2007 Dear Readers, I don't know jack-squat about news-writing, websites, and the like, so why do I, a regular sort of fellow with only a passing interest in anything that doesn't directly affect himself (like sports), feel qualified to start this? I don't, but when I look around, I don't like what I see. My nephew Robby writes funnier stuff than most of what I've seen in most of the other magazines, 'zines, newspapers, and newsletters. So, welcome to "The Lampune," as we've fondly come to call it during the week or so since its inception, we hope you like it. Why the NewsLampune? We like the sound of it, not exactly funny but cocky. It sounds like "impugn" and "tribune." It's a shining "lamp" and contains other words like "slam," "ews," "une," "amp," and "pun." see contest There's another word that it sounds like, but no one can think of it as of this writing. We'll keep the hit-counter going until we feel secure enough to turn it off. Sincerely, Editor-in-Chief |
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The NewsLampoon.com is a satirical news website published by NewsLampoon, Inc. The News Lampoon uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. © Copyright 2008 by NewsLampoon. The News Lampoon is not intended for readers under 18 years of age. Last updated: 07/05/08.
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