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Last updated 08/17/2008 11:48:05 AM

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  Defunct Spy Satellite Falling From Orbit
  School Bus-Sized Satellite To Hit North America

By Mickey Sartre, News Lampoon cub reporter

February 15, 2008--The Government plans to deploy a navy warship to fire a missile at the military satellite known as "USA 193."  The bus-sized defunct satellite floating over Scotland is soon to drop to Earth, and the Bush Administration is hoping to destroy it "before it lands on someone's head."

Navy personnel are preparing for the mission by blowing up school buses.

"I always dreamed about doing this," said Seaman Scott Rambus.  "I always hated school. That's why I joined the navy.  Most of the guys feel the same way. If we pretend that [satellite] is one of these school buses, I know we won't miss.  We haven't missed yet."

"This is all about trying to reduce the danger to human beings,"  says Deputy National Security Adviser James Jeffrey. "Specifically, there was enough of a risk for the president to be quite concerned about human life."

Some outside the administration suggest there might also be unstated military aims.

"Bush is just trying to show everyone how tough he is again," said James Carville.  "Similar satellites re-enter the atmosphere all the time.  And what about meteors and asteroids and comets?  What's Bush going to do next, shoot the moon?"

Carville also speculated as to why China was excoriated by the Administration when that country shot down a defunct weather satellite.  "Bush said he was worried about all the space junk the [Chinese] were creating.  I guess ours won't create any, wink, wink."

"All of the debris from this encounter, as carefully designed as it is, will be down at most within weeks, and most of it will be down within the first couple of orbits afterward," said Jeffrey. "There's an enormous difference . . ."

Ivan Oelrich, vice president for strategic security programs at the Federation of American Scientists, says, "One could be forgiven for asking if this is just an excuse to test an anti-satellite weapon."

A Pentagon source seems to corroborate Carville's and Oelrich's speculations.  The source claims that in addition to demonstrating U.S. military might, this mission is preparatory to shooting down a much larger satellite--the Moon.

"Can you imagine the devastation if the moon fell onto the Earth?" said the Pentagon source.  "We're not sure that would happen in our lifetimes, but there would be other benefits to shooting the moon.  No more bothersome tides, no more full-moon crime, and doesn't the moon have something to do with women's periods?  Imagine the benefits to mankind.  It's no secret that the president would like to improve his image.  This might do it."

Another source says shooting the moon would be purely a military mission.  "The moon provides too much light when we conduct certain night missions.  China and Russia are working on similar projects.  Whoever shoots the moon first would have a distinct military advantage in that the enemy would be caught with his pants down."

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Last updated: 08/17/08.

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