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An appeal from the American
press By Harv Klinger, News Lampoon News anchor (with Mickey
Sartre, News Lampoon cub reporter)
February 20, 2008, Washington--Dear Mr. President, I am asking you to come
home. I don't blame you for not wanting to leave Africa, but we need
you here.
Picking on Bill and Hillary has become the new American pastime--even
for disloyal Democrats--but it's the only story in town. We hunger
for variety, new fodder on which to feed. We need you to say
something goofy, mispronounce "nuclear," declare a war (even a threat
would be fine). But no, you're in Africa.
Praising you, Mr. President, has become the new pastime in Africa. News
reports about you, when they can be found, show you dancing, a little
awkwardly, or tapping, a little out of time, to the beat of African drums.
You are smiling, loose and happy, the epicenter of a glowing circle of
warmth, goodwill, and can you believe it? Love. Even
rocker/activist Bob Geldof is singing praises about what you've done to
help the African continent deal with the AIDS pandemic. That's all
well and good for you and Africa, Mr. President, but what about your
country and friends in the Washington press corps?
Barack Obama's Teflon suit repels our efforts to make anything stick.
Plagiarism? So what? He's not in school anymore. A
little snort of coke? Who hasn't tried a little blow? No one
cares what the wiry wunderkind from the South side of Chicago does.
Even former-president Clinton in his heyday didn't enjoy such protection
from our barbs. This Obama guy could strangle his wife in front of
every news camera in Washington, and no one would watch it. His
missing record of accomplishment is construed as an asset. Everyone
loves "B.O." but not, it seems, as much as Africa loves a whiff of Bush.
Mr. President, our pens are running dry. Our viewers and readers
are leaving us. And what is that I hear? The sound of "Hil-Force
One"? The Clintons are coming to Africa to kiss your ring.
Mr. President, we thought we'd never say this, but we miss you.
Please come home.
The NewsLampoon--Twisted News, Humor & Satire
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