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Cruise Plan Derailed
January 18, 2008, Washington D.C.— A Department of Homeland
Security source said Thursday the nation narrowly averted disaster in 2005 when
Tom Cruise made his infamous “jump the couch” appearance on the Oprah Winfrey
Show. The appearance was a crucial element of “Cruise’s plan to take over the
world, a plan derailed by us, and by ‘us’ I mean us, The U.S. Government,”
said the source.
Apparently Cruise’s strange and frenetic behavior,
which generated so much controversy, was induced by drug-laced water given to
him by a Homeland Security operative posing as a Cruise assistant.
A Winfrey Show producer says she remembers a man
wandering around on the day of the show looking for “Top Gun.”
“He was kind of strange,” said the producer, “even
stranger than Tom. So I just figured they were together.”
A Cruise confidant says that following the taping a
bewildered Cruise told her, “I don’t know what happened. I just went nuts.”
The Homeland Security source claims the Government had
feared a Cruise/Winfrey alliance. “Tom’s quick rise up the Scientology ladder
really got our attention,” the source said. “We’re convinced he was going to
brainwash Oprah. Can you imagine, with Oprah as his mouthpiece, the damage he
could have caused? Look what she’s done for Obama. We’d all be Scientologists
by now.”
Andrew Morton’s recently-released unauthorized Cruise
biography reportedly describes the actor as second-in-command of the Los
Angeles-based cult, known for its aggressive recruiting tactics.
Lately there has been a bizarre internet-circulated
video of Cruise describing Scientologists as “authorities of the mind.”
It has been reported that Winfrey, already a media
giant, plans to launch her own television network in 2009. Winfrey also
owns a school in Africa.
“Talk about a two-headed monster,” said the
source. “We almost became a nation of zombies, a real-life ‘Night of the Living
Dead.'”
Asked who ordered the Cruise drugging, the source
replied, “Let's just say it came from the real ‘Top Gun.’”
(Posted 6:37 a.m. EST)
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