| The | News Lampoon | Combs more powerful than FBI | ||
| Feds
frustrated by Diddy's riches By Duane Wordsworth March 18, 2oo8--With the publication of the L.A. Times article detailing the alleged involvement of music mogul Sean "P Diddy" Combs in the 1996 murder of rapper Tupac Shakur come questions about the government's inability to bring to justice those who committed the crime.
"I'd like to dispel the rumors that the FBI is either incompetent or that we allow these rappers to kill each other off because we want them dead," says an ex-agent who requests anonymity. "In the first place, we aren't all that incompetent, and, secondly, these people bring in a lot of tax revenue." The problem, according to the former agent, is that the money is a double-edged sword. "These rappers have more money than we do. P Diddy alone has four times as much money as the CIA and the FBI combined. With this money they are able to buy better equipment and hire smarter people than we can. It's frustrating. The average FBI agent's IQ has dropped significantly in the past 20 years, and this is directly attributable to rappers. The FBI has become the equivalent of the public defenders office." Along with rap-inspired advancements in music technology, these rappers are on the cutting edge of other, less inspiring technologies. "Our surveillance and eavesdropping technology just can't keep up with their anti-surveillance and -eavesdropping technology. They actually have their own departments of technology working around the clock to keep them a step ahead of us. They're actually eavesdropping on us." Why not go "old-school" to circumvent the rappers' technology? Why not hire informants? The former agent quickly shot that down. "When we pay an informant to spy on them, they give the same informant more money, effectively canceling the informant out. Sometimes they literally cancel the informant out. Because of this, finding willing informants is getting harder and harder." Why not just kill the rappers? "The FBI would love to kill them, but the IRS and others who I won't name because I would be dead by the end of the week won't let us. The FBI doesn't like rap music, and we don't like rappers, but we understand their value; we're made to understand their value. As I said before, it all comes down to money. A lot of white people are getting rich off them. Sometimes it seems like somebody from the inside is helping them. I suspect the CIA." Related story: L.A. Times duped by 'gangsta' doughboy!--The News Lampoon Sources: http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-naw-quad17mar17,0,4451053.story ______________________________________ The News Lampoon--Twisted News, Humor & Satire
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