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News Lampoon |
Client 9, Client 9, Client 9 . . . | |||
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New York Governor Eliot
Spitzer's high-end high jinks By Duane Wordsworth
March 11, 2008, New York--Have you ever heard the Beatles' nightmarish Revolution #9? Imagine the sonic equivalent of doing mushrooms and watching a methamphetamine-crazed heretic anarchist in the hands of The Inquisition. Revolution #9 isn't quite that pretty. It was on The White Album, and is sort of a cut-and-paste montage of spooky-sounding chants, disembodied voices, and cacophony. Yoko (with John's help) put it together, so that should tell you something. Paul, George, and Ringo didn't like it. Producer George Martin didn't like it. Nobody did. It wasn't music. Running throughout is one voice (a dead maitre d's?) saying, "Number 9, number 9, number 9. . . ." It used to scare the crap out of me. Welcome to hell, Eliot Spitzer, aka (former) Governor of New York, aka "Client 9." It all started with an IRS investigation of a "high-end" prostitution ring. Turns out Spitzer was a client. When he was New York's Attorney General, the self-righteous Spitzer was known as a crusader whose mission in life was to eradicate, among other things, high-end prostitution rings and Wall Street corruption. Reportedly there were cheers when the news of Spitzer's girl troubles hit the New York Stock Exchange floor. "Client 9" made a brief, say-next-to-nothing statement to the press yesterday addressing the New York Times story detailing his dalliances. The prostitution ring, identified in court papers as the Emperors Club VIP, arranged connections between wealthy men and prostitutes in New York, Washington, D.C., Los Angeles, Miami, London and Paris. The club's website, now disabled, displayed photographs of scantily-clad women, along with hourly rates. One diamond was the lowest ranking, seven diamonds, the highest. Seven diamonds cost $5,500 an hour. Spitzer's final visit cost him $4,300. Not sure how many diamonds that would be. You'll have to figure it out for yourself. One of the arrested women, Temeka Rachelle Lewis, told a prostitute identified only as "Kristen" to take a train from New York to Washington for an encounter with "Client No. 9" on the night of February 13th (the day before Valentine's Day; was it a Friday?). Click here to read the affidavit. "Kristen" is described in the complaint as a "petite, pretty brunette, 5-feet-5 inches and 105 pounds." Sounds pretty nice, but $4,300? Let's hope for the soon-to-be ex-governor's sake she was worth it. According to the court papers, "the client" would be "paying for everything -- train tickets, cab fare from the hotel and back, mini bar or room service, travel time and hotel." Wow! If he did all that for "Kristen," what do you suppose he gave his wife for Valentine's Day? Never mind. I don't think I want to know. Let's just hope (soon-to-be ex-?) Mrs. Spitzer doesn't need penicillin to make it go away. "Kristen" said that she liked "Client no. 9" and that she did not think he was difficult, according to the papers. Apparently, "Client no. 9" had a rep in prostitution rings as being "difficult"--not only as prosecutor but as a client too! (Next stop: The Hair Club for Men!) To the Emperor Club girls, Spitzer's being "difficult" meant asking the prostitutes to do things that "... you might not think were safe ..." "Kristen" can take care of herself though. According to the papers, she responded by saying, "I have a way of dealing with that ... I'd be, like, listen dude, you really want the sex?" Apparently he did. "Client 9, Client 9, Client 9 . . ." Sources: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/03/10/AR2008031002724_pf.html http://www.turnmeondeadman.net/IBP/Revolution9.php http://www.wnbc.com/news/15555281/detail.html Plan 9 from Outer Space, Ed Wood, dir. 07/05/2008 03:52:47 PM -0400 _____________________________________________ The News Lampoon--Twisted News, Humor & Satire
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