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January 20, 2008, Stephenville--Residents of this
former Texas town are adamant that the silent, low-flying, mile-long, half-mile
wide object they saw pass over their heads last week was not of this earth, despite
what the government and others say.
According to reports, dozens saw it, some catching it
on video.
One video, shot in high definition, reportedly was
given to government authorities, who assured the owner that they would return it
“just as soon as we can.”
James Oberg, a trained UFO skeptic, appeared on The
Larry King Show Friday and tried to shoot down the witnesses’ accounts by
telling them they were “confused” and “untrained observers.”
“It was probably just a bright cloud,” said Oberg.
“They don’t make noise, either.”
The witnesses claim doors on the object’s underside
opened and released thousands of leaflets with the words “Surrender or we will
destroy you” printed on them. The News Lampoon obtained one of the leaflets and took it
to an expert who found they were made of a “high-quality paper-like substance of
unknown origin” and the print was in an “unknown font.” Ink test results have
not yet become available.
Witnesses say they saw military fighter jets chase the
object, then turn and flee with the object chasing them.
“There is no such thing as F-16s, and for that matter,
there are no space shuttles, either,” countered Oberg. “Look, I’m a trained
observer, and I know that nothing except clouds, some stars, God, and the sun
can fly. Not even birds or planes can fly. They’re all optical illusions that
can be explained. These people are living in a dream world.”
The object then returned and destroyed the town and
most of its population with “some kind of ray,” according to those who escaped
with their lives. “There would be a lot more of us, but they’re all dead,” said
one witness. "We should have just surrendered, but some fool kept yelling
'Remember the Alamo!'"
A Government source has told the News Lampoon that
“very, very soon” the remaining witnesses will be “gathered up and taken away
for therapy and debriefing.”
“What did I tell you?” said Oberg. “The town doesn’t
even exist, and the people are all dead. What a bunch of crackpots.”
(Posted 3:28 a.m. CT)
The News Lampoon--Twisted News, Humor &
Satire
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