| News Lampoon |
Breaking the news: March
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Turn us on, dead man Wilders' new film a suicidal effort
Dutch P.M. Geert Wilders March 28, 2008--The News Lampoon salutes Dutch Minister of Parliament Geert Wilders for his efforts to combat radical Islamic fascism. Wilders' latest effort, a much-anticipated film, entitled Fitna, put him on the jihadist shit list even before last night's release. Many websites talk about Fitna but refuse to show it, claiming that it's hurtful to Muslims. We think it's because they're afraid, and, frankly, we don't blame them. We're a little nervous, too, but we've gone ahead and put it up on the site anyway. It's the least we could do for a man we believe will soon be dead.
L.A. Times duped by 'gangsta' doughboy! News Lampoon threatening lawsuits
"Gangsta" doughboy Sabatino March 27, 2008--Last week the News Lampoon posted a story about an L.A. Times article obtained through the Drudge Report concerning allegations by an alleged rap-world insider who claims Sean "Diddy" Combs was involved in the ambush and murder of fellow rapper Tupac Shakur. The Smoking Gun website reported yesterday that the L.A. Times story was false, which makes the News Lampoon story double false. In light of this appalling development, the News Lampoon is considering filing lawsuits against the L.A. Times, the Drudge Report, and the "gangsta" doughboy who started it all--James Sabatino. See Dupes
Chris Matthews stalking Obama Keeps sending 'creepy' love notes, text messages By Mickey Sartre, News Lampoon cub reporter
"A thrill went up my leg" March 26, 2008--The Barack Obama campaign has requested that federal authorities investigate MSNBC Hardball host Chris Matthews because of "creepy" text messages and handwritten love notes he has been sending to Obama. "This is very painful," said Obama campaign manager David Plouffe when asked to confirm the story, "because Chris has been one of our staunchest supporters. Hardball has saved us millions in advertising dollars. We don't bother airing commercials during his show because Hardball has been an hour-long commercial in itself, and we are grateful to Chris for that. But if he does something weird, and I didn't try to protect Barack, I would never forgive myself." See Chris Matthews stalking Obama Dazed actress threatens Chris Matthews 'Arrested Development' star arrested
By Lex Goldman, Entertainment correspondent March 25, 2008--Police say Hollywood actress Portia de Rossi was tousled and disoriented when they apprehended the former “Arrested Development” star outside Rockefeller Plaza Saturday morning. De Rossi was wearing burlap and sporting a recently shaved head when she threatened political commentator Chris Matthews from a crowd gathered outside NBC Studios for a taping of the Today Show. Witnesses said the actress appeared to be angered by Matthews’ well-publicized appearance on Ellen DeGeneres’ talk show Wednesday. See Dazed actress ______________________ Barack's granny fires back! Denounces 'former grandson' via text message
"Granny Dunham" Barack Obama's 86-year-old grandmother, Madelyn Dunham, who has come to be known by many as "Granny Dunham," has been, according to the Obama campaign, "unavailable for comment" to media. After discovering that this poor woman is "unavailable" only because her treacherous grandson is having her held prisoner in Hawaii, we at the News Lampoon smuggled a cell phone into the heavily-guarded compound (paid for with Obama campaign funds) where Granny is being held. Though some might think that hiring a high-end prostitute to perform this task is unethical, we decided, after much heated discussion, to go ahead and do it anyway. Frankly, we were worried about Granny Dunham. __________________________ Cheney paving way for next war Iranians thinking about nukes poses threat
March 20, 2008, Muscat, Oman--Vice President Dick Cheney said yesterday that Iran could possibly pose a nuclear threat to the U.S. and that "we'd better do something before it's too late." Asked what he meant by "too late," Cheney said, "We have only a few months, at best." See Cheney __________________________________ Barack throws Granny under the bus! Calls 86-year-old grandmother white racist!
Could you throw this sweet old woman under a bus? See Barack's Granny __________________________________________ Trinity says goodbye to spiritual icon Congregation sets controversial pastor Jeremiah Wright afloat on Lake Michigan! By Herm Welty, Political correspondent March 17, 2008, Chicago--The soothing rhythm of a Negro spiritual filled the crisp air at daybreak Sunday as more than 600 well-heeled members of Trinity United Church of Christ gathered on the icy shores of Lake Michigan to say farewell to a spiritual icon. Tears ran down the cheeks of church elders when they pushed with long poles a thirty-ton block of ice into the wind-whipped white caps. See spiritual icon _____________________________________________ Combs more powerful than FBI Feds frustrated by Diddy's riches
Sean "P Diddy" Combs Former FBI agent says: "These rappers have more money than we do. P Diddy alone has four times as much money as the CIA and the FBI combined. With this money they are able to buy better equipment and hire smarter people than we can. It's frustrating. The average FBI agent's IQ has dropped significantly in the past 20 years, and this is directly attributable to rappers. The FBI has become the equivalent of the public defenders office." See Murderer __________________________________________ Barack not audacious! Pastor Jeremiah Wright calls Obama 'chicken shit'; wants book title returned; Obama joining white church
Barack & Jeremiah March 17, 2008, Chicago--Barack Obama's former pastor, Jeremiah Wright, angered by Obama's disavowal, denunciation, and rejection of him, said yesterday that he wants the title of Obama's best-selling book, The Audacity of Hope, returned. "Typical of Barack, he couldn't come up with his own title. He had to plagiarize mine. If you want to know the truth, I didn't know about Barack's book until after it was published. I've been told that most of the content of the book is taken from other people's lives. I heard Barack say yesterday that he is nothing but a bunch of little pieces of America. Maybe he should use that as a title. Or is that already taken? Not that it would matter to Barack." ______________________________________________ Some skies too friendly?
Woman suing airline after finding 'sticky substance' in her hair! ______________________________________________ Coming Soon . . . Duane Obama!
_________________________________________ Another B.O. aide secret memo found Memo assures French Foreign Minister U.S. 'will be there' for France
According to the memo, an Obama presidency would be dedicated to finding new ways to rebuild goodwill between the U.S. and France, first of which would be to strike down smoking bans in U.S. cities. "As a smoker, Barack Obama understands the importance of being free to have a smoke anywhere one wants to, including government buildings, restaurants, hospitals, churches, and daycare centers," the memo reads. "As a further gesture of goodwill, every French man and woman entering the United States will be given a free carton of Marlboros. _____________________________________________ Bow Wow Wow! N.Y. Governorship goes to the dogs!
"What destroys me strengthens me" March 13, 2008, New York--You Fool! You paid 4,300 bucks for that? You humiliated your wife and three teen-aged daughters for that? You betrayed your friends and citizenry for that?
"That"
has the deliciously melodramatic name Ashley Dupre. Formerly known
as "Kristen the high-end prostitute," Ashley is the woman who helped bring
down the Governor of New York.
Wow! er, bow wow. . . . See Bow Wow Wow! _______________________________________________ Would the real George Fox please stand up? Client 9's mysterious alter-ego
March 12, 2008--When Eliot Spitzer, Governor of the State of New York, signed in at the the Mayflower Hotel in Washington, DC, to engage in unlawful sex with Kristen the high-end prostitute, he used the name "George Fox." Not a bad alias, Eliot. Believable but clever. Solid yet lively. A little Father of Our Country mixed with canine trickster. In short, a perfect "John" alias, signaling to the discerning high-end call girl the promise of a "date" with a man of means who is not too boring, the promise of both quick cash and a quick release. ___________________________________________________ Client 9, Client 9, Client 9. . . New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's high-end high jinks
March 11, 2008, New York--Have you ever heard the Beatles' nightmarish Revolution #9? Imagine the sonic equivalent of doing mushrooms and watching a methamphetamine-crazed heretic anarchist in the hands of The Inquisition. Revolution #9 isn't quite that pretty. It was on The White Album, and is sort of a cut-and-paste montage of spooky-sounding chants, disembodied voices, and cacophony. Yoko (with John's help) put it together, so that should tell you something. Paul, George, and Ringo didn't like it. Producer George Martin didn't like it. Nobody did. It wasn't music. Running throughout is one voice (a dead maitre d's?) saying, "Number 9, number 9, number 9. . . ." Welcome to hell, Eliot Spitzer, aka the (soon-to-be former) Governor of New York, aka "Client 9." See Client #9 _________________________________________
Talibanders to U.S.: 'Send more money' Terrorists' electronics not up to date By Mickey Sartre, News Lampoon cub reporter March 10, 2008, Kabul, Afghanistan--The Taliban fighter handed me a cup of green tea and said, "I should kill you." I set the cup down on the concrete floor where we sat facing each other, cross-legged on thin rugs. The curtains drawn, the room was dark. The interview was being conducted in secret, in a concrete Taliban "safe house"--if there is such a thing as a Taliban safe house. "If you divulge identity," said the Talibander, "I will kill you." "You haven't told me your name," I said. See Talibanders __________________________________ Ray Nagin: 'I Am A Vagina-Friendly Mayor' Welcomes Vagina to to New Orleans, says, 'I'm in!'
See Ray Nagin ____________________________________________ Eight-year-old lawyer being sued! Bar Association fears damage to reputation
From wire reports March 8, 2008--In an unprecedented display of solidarity, lawyers around the world have united to file a class-action suit against an 8-year-old boy who passed an entrance exam to a Brazilian law school. The boy, Joao Victor Portellinha, has set up an office in Sao Paulo and has already earned over $2,000,000. "Being a lawyer is easy," said little Joao. "All you have to do is lie, and they give you money. It's fun! See your Eight-year-old lawyer ____________ Obama aide calls Hillary a 'Monster' Also calls former First Lady 'unattractive' Photos seem to support claims
March 7, 2008--A Barack Obama aide finally said out loud in an interview with The Scotsman in London what the Obama camp has been whispering since 2005: Hillary Clinton is "unattractive." In addition to saying Senator Clinton is unattractive, Samantha Power, Obama's key foreign policy aide told the Scotsman's Gerri Peev that "[Hillary] is a monster, too – that is off the record . . ." Oops! Too late, said The Scotsman editors. That is on the record, Ms. Power. See a Monster! ______________________________________________ Motari likes chillin' 'n killin'! 'Whatever happened to Semper Fi?'
By Mickey Sartre, News Lampoon cub reporter March 6, 2008--Hiding out in his mom's basement "gets a little lonely," says U.S. Marine and puppy killer David Motari, "but I'm sure this'll all blow over soon." This reporter wouldn't bet on it. See Motari chillin' 'n killin' puppies ____________________________________________ Obama says 'No short people'
Doesn't want any 'shrimps' around him or in his line of sight By Mickey Sartre, News Lampoon cub reporter
March 5, 2008, San Antonio--Barack Obama told his staff Sunday that he doesn't want any short people around him. The Democrat presidential hopeful, who stands 6' 1½" tall, wrote in a memo obtained by the News Lampoon that he does not "want to see any shrimps close to [Obama] or in [Obama's] line of sight." See No Short People _______________________________________________ Hillary Kicks Obama's Ass!
____________________________________________________ Author's harrowing tale a complete fabrication! Why not just call it fiction? By Bruno Spinoza, News Lampoon body-language expert
March 4, 2008, Cleveland--I started reading it, but I couldn't stand it anymore, so I threw it away. They asked me because they know that I know about that kind of s--t. Oops. Excuse my French. But all you have to do is look at her face to know that she's a liar. _____________________________________________ Congratulations, Dmitri! on your victory in the Russian presidential 'election'!
Dmitiri Medvedev, the new Russian President ____________________________________________
God endorses Obama! 'I shall use All My Resources,' saith The Lord! From a revelation March 3, 2008, Chicago--Appearing in the form of Minister Louis Farrakhan of Chicago, Barack Obama's home town, The Lord announced His endorsement of Senator Obama for president. See God _________________________________________ R.I.P. William F. Buckley, Jr. A voice for the ages
March 2, 2008 The passing this week of William F. Buckley, Jr. leaves me with much the same feeling, though slightly more intense, as did the passing of Gore Vidal, with whom Buckley sparred. The feeling is one of emptiness, if emptiness can be intense. _________________________________________ Give 'em hell, Harry! British prince now al Qaeda target; 'A little late, aren't they?' quips Harry From wire reports
March 1, 2008--After 10 weeks of terrorizing and slaughtering Islamic terrorists, Timesonline reports that Prince Harry of Great Britain has finally been declared a "legitimate target" by al Qaeda. "A little late, aren't they," quipped the prince early this morning. "I've been sending the buggers to Allah for weeks." Fish Photo Caption Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit, sed diem nonummy nibh euismod tincidunt ut lacreet dolore magna aliguam erat volutpat. Ut wisis enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exerci tution ullamcorper suscipit lobortis nisl ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis te feugifacilisi. Duis autem dolor in hendrerit in vulputate velit esse molestie consequat, vel illum dolore eu feugiat nulla facilisis at vero eros et accumsan et iusto odio dignissim qui blandit praesent luptatum zzril delenit au gue duis dolore te feugat nulla facilisi. Ut wisi enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exerci taion ullamcorper suscipit lobortis nisl ut aliquip ex en commodo consequat. Duis te feugifacilisi per suscipit lobortis nisl ut aliquip ex en commodo consequat.Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit, sed diem nonummy nibh euismod tincidunt ut lacreet dolore magna aliguam erat volutpat. |
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