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______________________Prince Harry beheads Drudge! Bush bows to pressure from Brits and allows assassination From wire reports
February 29, 2008--Bowing to pressure from the British government, President Bush allowed the kidnapping and murder of Matt Drudge for breaking the story that British Prince Harry was fighting terrorists in Afghanistan. __________________________________ Dean Calls for suspension of voting rights for white men and Hispanics DNC chairman says 'We need a strong, wiry black man in charge'
February 29, 2008--Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean is calling for the suspension of voting rights for most white men and perhaps all Hispanic voters. White men who would be allowed to vote would include Dean, Ted Kennedy, Dennis Kucinich, and a few, select others. See The Dean _____________________________________ The worst cable 'news' person in the world! Who would have thought anyone could replace Bill O'Reilly as the worst cable news personality? By Freddy Spinks, News Lampoon media specialist February 27, 2008--Following are our three worst "news" personalities on cable television. The rankings are 1-5, with "1" being the least in a given criterion, "5" being the most. For instance, a "1" ranking in the "Stupidity" category would mean you're not all that stupid. If you couldn't figure that out yourself, you've earned yourself a "5" and might have what it takes to be one of these idiots masquerading as "journalists." See The Worst Now see the best: Lou Dobbs is the Man __________________________________
Stupid Fucking Idiots
The News Lampoon does what it can to bring what we think are the most interesting and thought-provoking stories of the day. Lately, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have been in our pages on just about a daily basis. Frankly, we're getting tired of them. But as tired as we are of the presidential candidates, when we look around for alternative stories, all we find are stupid fucking idiots! ______________________________________ Bill Clinton responsible for NAMBLA! Barack Obama says Hillary supported former president's promotion of sex between men and young boys See Bill Clinton responsible for NAMBLA! for the rest of this story ________________________________ Obama receives Farrakhan Endorsement! Nation of Islam leader tries to recant but 'too late,' says Obama
From wire reports February 25, 2008, Chicago--Minister Louis Farrakhan said Sunday that presidential candidate Barack Obama is the "hope of the entire world." See Obama receives Farrakhan Endorsement ______________________________ Ahmadinejad demands personal apology from President Bush By Tanya Murgatroyd, special to the News Lampoon February 24, 2008, Crawford, TX--Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad demanded Friday that the U.S. and its allies apologize for accusing Iran of seeking nuclear weapons. Today Ahmadinejad revised his demand, saying he wants the apology to come from President Bush in person, at Bush's Prairie Chapel Ranch outside of Crawford, Texas. "The President of the United States has never invited me to his ranch," Ahmadinejad told reporters as he held back tears. "I've never been to Camp David, either." See Ahmadinejad demands apology! ______________________________________ MSNBC's Shuster suspended again! 'Thrown under the bus' comment 'way out of line' By Duane Wordsworth, News Lampoon correspondent February 23, 2008--MSNBC has suspended correspondent David Shuster for the second time this month, NBC News president Steve Capus announced late last night. ______________________________ John McCain Slept with Me By Ariel Trebuchet, News Lampoon columnist February 22, 2008, Washington--Nine years ago, when I was a congressional page, John McCain slept with me. He slept with all of us, except for the boys, of course. It's been pretty well documented who slept with the boys, and it certainly was not Johnny McCain. See the rest of John McCain Slept with Me ____________________________________ Obama lends funds to rivals! Political superstar wants Hillary and 'Mack' to 'put up a better fight' By Mickey Sartre, News Lampoon cub reporter February 21, 2008, Toledo--In an effort to help build goodwill and bolster the floundering campaigns of his rivals, political superstar Barack Obama has sent checks to Hillary Clinton and John McCain. ______________________________ Bizarre Population-Control Plot Uncovered! Radical groups want to curb U.S. population growth By Song Hen, Far East Correspondent February 21, 2008, Hong Kong--A recent e-mail intercepted by this correspondent led to an investigation which has uncovered a bizarre plot to reduce the population of the United States. The entities involved include the City of Berkeley (COB), Code Pink (Pinko), the Planned Parenthood Federation of America (PPFA), the Human Rights Campaign (HRC), and the People's Republic of China. ____________________________________________ Commentary Dear Mister President An appeal from the American press By Harv Klinger, News Lampoon News anchor (with Mickey Sartre, News Lampoon cub reporter) February 20, 2008--Dear Mr. President, I am asking you to come home. I don't blame you for not wanting to leave Africa, but we need you here. ____________________________________ Texas Politician Speechless! Has nothing to say when asked about Obama's accomplishments By Mickey Sartre, News Lampoon cub reporter February 20, 2008, Youngstown--The News Lampoon's crack team of videographers were on the ball when they recorded footage of MSNBC's Chris Matthews catching Texas State Senator Kirk Watson with nothing to say. Watch this amazing footage! _________________________ Jimmy Carter, El Presidenté? Carter and Cuba 'A Perfect Fit' By Herm Welty, Political Correspondent February 19, 2008, Miami--Fidel Castro’s surprise resignation has political analysts from Georgia to Havana wondering if former U.S. President Jimmy Carter might assume control of Cuba. Read the rest of this breaking story: Jimmy Carter el Presidente ________________________________________ Hillary Switches Parties! Former Dem Candidate Fed Up with 'Back-Stabbers' From wire reports February 19, 2008, Akron--Hillary Clinton (R-New York) announced late last night after "a couple glasses of wine" that she is switching to the Republican Party. "I just like what they're about," said the former Democrat. "They don't plagiarize, either," Clinton added, apparently in reference to recent charges that opponent Barack Obama repeated nearly word-for-word a speech by Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick without attributing it to him. "Democrats are back-stabbers," said Mrs. Clinton. "I should know because I used to be one. When I was a Democrat, I stabbed countless people in the back. So did Bill [Clinton]." ____________________________________________ Feds Probe Waxman's Nose!
Evidence Rumored To Be Hidden in Congressman's Nasal Cavities By Mickey Sartre, News Lampoon cub reporter February 18, 2008, Washington--Amid allegations that Congressman Henry Waxman (D-California) has hidden evidence pertinent to the Roger Clemens steroids investigation in his nose, Congress requested that Waxman voluntarily allow a probe of his nasal cavities. Federal agents wearing protective clothing and oxygen tanks entered Waxman's nostrils late last night after the Congressman was given a mild sedative. As of 3:00 a.m. ET, they had found a locked filing cabinet, baseballs signed by Sandy Koufax, Don Drysdale, and Barry Bonds, and numerous video tapes. See the rest of of this story in Waxman's nose _______________________________ Hillary Calls Barack a Chicken! Barack 'Not a Fighter,' Says Hillary; Hillary 'A Racist' Counters Barack By Duane Wordsworth February 17, 2008, Oshkosh--In a statement calculated to infuriate her opponent, Hillary Clinton called Barack Obama "a chicken." See Hillary Calls Barack a Chicken _________________________________________ Obama to Terrorists: ‘I Will Help You’ Candidate Sending Subliminal Messages of Comfort to Muslim Terrorists By Herm Welty, Political correspondent February 16, 2008, Cleveland--A Middle Eastern culture expert with ties to Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign says the series of faked fainting spells at recent Barack Obama political rallies are staged messages for Al Qaeda members fighting in Afghanistan. Obama’s message to the terrorists: I will help you. Read more of this story: 'I Will Help You' _______________________________ News Lampoon To Begin Weekly Youtube Broadcasts! From wire reports February 16, 2008--It has been learned that the NewsLampoon.com "news website" plans to launch a series of weekly Youtube broadcasts. The first installment, scheduled to have been broadcast Friday night, was delayed because of a technical glitch. No one at the website was available for comment. Click the following link to see the website's promotional video: NewsLampoon Promo ________________________________
School Bus-Sized Satellite To Hit North America! By Mickey Sartre, News Lampoon cub reporter February 15, 2008--The Government plans to deploy a navy warship to fire a missile at the military satellite known as "USA 193." The bus-sized defunct satellite floating over Scotland is soon to drop to Earth, and the Bush Administration is hoping to destroy it "before it lands on someone's head." Navy personnel are preparing for the mission by blowing up school buses. See Defunct Spy Satellite for more of this story ____________________________ Obama Anti-Christ?Speculation About Candidate Being 'The Anti-Christ' Persists By Mickey Sartre, NewsLampoon cub reporter February 14, 2008--According to a Feb. 9 post in Conservative's Forum, the world will end in 2012, and presidential candidate Barack Hussein Obama in the role of Anti-Christ will help bring it about. Posts in equally credible sources such as Abovetopsecret.com agree. Despite his denials, the evidence cited against Obama is overwhelming. Did you know that famed prophet/prediction artist Nostradamus predicted the world will end in 2012? The man who would bring it about? "Mabus." Now chew on this: Obama + Bush = Obamabush! See Obama Anti-Christ for more of this story _________________________________________ Cute Bunny Rabbit Will 'Eat the Jews'By Keith Rottweiler February 13, 2008--His name is Assud the Rabbit, and he will eat you and your children--if you're a Jew! The Lebanese "Assud"--which translates as "lions"--is a creation of the Hamas terror organization and is being deployed as a measure to help restore the Palestinians to their homeland. The show that features the darling rabbit, Tomorrow’s Pioneers, first became known for its jew-killer Mickey Mouse look-alike character, Farfur. Unfortunately, Farfur was murdered by Israelis and was subsequently replaced by Nahoul the Bee, who also was killed off when the Jews prevented him from leaving Gaza for medical treatment. See Jews for more of this story
_______________________________________ By Bruno Spinoza, NewsLampoon body-language expert February 12, 2008, Canton, OH--The only reason they sent me down here to cover this piece of garbage is because I live a few miles up Interstate 77, in Cleveland. The cheapskates. I was in the middle of a good card game too. ___________________________________ Democrats Appoint Super-Duper Delegates! By Herm Welty, Political correspondent February 11, 2008--In hopes of clearing up growing unease surrounding next summer’s selection of the Democratic presidential nominee, party leaders announced Monday the appointment of three "Super-Duper Delegates." ____________________________________
Mike Huckabee, Kevin Spacey Brothers! By Mickey Sartre, NewsLampoon cub reporter February 11, 2008, Hollywood--Now they're really taking the gloves off. In a move by the McCain campaign intended to force presidential candidate Mike Huckabee to withdraw from the race, a rumor has begun to spread that actor Kevin Spacey was fathered by Huckabee. __________________________________ THANK GOD! By Duane Wordsworth, special to the NewsLampoon February 10, 2008, Hollywood--After 14 weeks of contentious negotiations, it may finally be over. See Over? The NewsLampoon--Twisted Humor & Satire _________________________________ MSNBC's Shuster Calls Clintons PimpsBy Mickey Sartre, NewsLampoon cub reporter February 9, 2008--Emmy-winning MSNBC correspondent David Shuster implied Thursday that Chelsea Clinton is a whore being "pimped out" by her parents, Bill and Hillary Clinton. See MSNBC The NewsLampoon--Twisted Humor & Satire ___________________________________________
WARNING! YOU MIGHT BE IN DANGER! Public Service Announcement February 8, 2008--You could be in DANGER! If you don't take action IMMEDIATELY, you and your family and friends could PAY A HEAVY PRICE! See.WARNING The NewsLampoon--Twisted Humor & Satire _______________________________________________ Elizabeth Edwards Awarded 'Booty Call' Status By Duane Wordsworth, special to the NewsLampoon February 7, 2008, Columbia, SC--John Edwards' attractiveness-rating as a running-mate may have just improved as his wife, Elizabeth, was awarded "Booty Call Material"-status by the online-dating service OnlineBootyCall.com. The NewsLampoon--Twisted Humor & Satire ___________________________________________ Huckabee Calls Romney 'A Little Bitch' By Mickey Sartre, NewsLampoon cub reporter February 6, 2008, Little Rock--Responding to Mitt Romney's complaint that Mike Huckabee and Republican strong man John McCain teamed up against Romney to steal a primary win in West Virginia, Huckabee said Romney should "man up and stop acting like a little bitch." The NewsLampoon--Twisted Humor & Satire _____________________________________________ Tuesday Tuesday, February 5, 2008—The first Tuesday in February, is “Super Tuesday” for the election primaries. It is “Monster Tuesday” for MSNBC as they cover the primaries. It is “Fat Tuesday” for many as the Carnival season ends and Lent begins. It is “First Tuesday” for a network of European technology entrepreneurs who meet and devise ways to squeeze more money out of consumers. See Today Is Tuesday The NewsLampoon--Twisted Humor & Satire _____________________________ Coach Says Giants Cheated By Mickey Sartre, NewsLampoon cub reporter February 4, 2008, Phoenix—Rather than take the loss honorably and go home, immediately after suffering a bitter defeat to the New York Giants in Sunday's Super Bowl, a surly New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick charged New York with cheating. See Belichick Says Giants Cheated--Newslampoon.com--news satire The NewsLampoon--Twisted Humor & Satire ______________________________ In light of the Super Bowl's having taken place Sunday, the NewsLampoon.com does NOT stand by the following news article. It will be removed and retracted immediately upon rectifying publishing software problems we are having at the present time. PATRIOTS FORFEIT SUPER BOWL! From wire reports February 3, 2008, Phoenix—New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick announced late last night that his team will not play in today’s Super Bowl game. See In light of the Super Bowl The NewsLampoon--Twisted Humor & Satire ________________________________________________ Joran Van der Sloot Allegedly Lies about Lies From wire reports February 2, 2008, The Hague, Netherlands—Joran Van der Sloot told a Dutch journalist Friday that he was lying when he lied about his story, “which was a bunch of lies,” Van der Sloot allegedly claims. See Lies about Lies The NewsLampoon--Twisted Humor & Satire _________________________________________________ Snipes Dodges IRS ‘Silver Bullet’ By Dex Goldman, Entertainment correspondent February 2, 2008, Hollywood--Friday’s federal court decision clearing actor Wesley Snipes of tax fraud and conspiracy charges has some of Hollywood’s biggest stars text-messaging their lawyers. Snipes Dodges IRS The NewsLampoon--Twisted Humor & Satire ____________________________________ Thursday's Debate a 'Dud' From wire reports February 1, 2008, Los Angeles--Thursday night's debate between presidential candidates Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton was a "dud" according to an angry Wolf Blitzer. See Thursday The NewsLampoon--Twisted Humor & Satire ____________________________________________________ Commentary Clinton, Obama Body-Language Tell True Story By Bruno Spinoza, NewsLampoon body-language expert February 1, 2008, Cleveland—“Friendly face-off,” my butt! I hate saying “butt”—makes me sound like a sissy—but I’m not allowed to say the other word for it. I’m going to have to have a little talk with someone about that. Anyway, you get my meaning. They hate each other. You don’t have to be no body-language expert to see that. The NewsLampoon--Twisted Humor & Satire More Opinion articles. ________________________________
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