Breaking the News January 2008--News Lampoon--Twisted News, Humor & Satire

January 28, 2008, Nashville—Still smarting from the spanking administered by the hand of Barack Obama in this past weekend’s South Carolina primary, Hillary Rodham Clinton is said to have begun calling the Illinois senator “B.O.”

“Hillary didn’t start this,” Clinton campaign manager Patti Solis Doyle said Sunday. “[Obama’s wife] Michelle Obama did. That’s been documented in Glamour Magazine. She herself said the man stinks so badly his own children won’t go near him. Those are Michelle’s words, not ours.”

Obama said he was “not amused” by Clinton’s alleged crack. “Hillary’s name-calling and continued personal attacks are really getting tiresome. So I’m not the best smelling guy on the planet, but I’m not a frustrated hag, either. My body odor problem--which, by the way, is something that can be fixed--may be an issue with my wife and my children, but it won’t be with voters.”

Later in the day, Doyle disavowed her statement and deployed top campaign strategist Mark Penn to explain “what’s really going on.”

“'B.O.' are Barack's initials,” Penn said. “Doesn’t anyone understand that? Many people these days go by their initials. It’s really a term of endearment. Half of the players in the NFL go by their initials. It’s kind of a trademark. I wouldn’t be surprised if David [Plouffe, Obama’s campaign manager] came up with this idea. It’s really a stroke of genius. And then to turn it back onto us . . . well, let’s just say I’m in awe. I wish we could twist words like that. Hell, they’re twisting letters.”

“I think ‘B.O.’ is going to resonate with many voters,” said MSNBC’s Mika Brzezinski. “It’s something many of them will relate to. I dare say Mr. Obama may have created another demographic, another block of votes. In addition to that, he may now get the backing of the underarm deodorant lobby, which is probably pretty powerful, if there is one. Is there one?” (Posted 3:59 a.m. ET)

Obama Wins South Carolina; Clinton Vows Retribution

By Mickey Sartre, NewsLampoon cub reporter

January 27, 2008, Columbia, SC--Furious at what she deems a betrayal by a constituency she had once considered hers, presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton has vowed to her closest advisors, including her husband, former president Bill Clinton, that “when” she is elected president, she will seek retribution against African Americans by slashing programs designed to aid minorities, and particularly those benefiting blacks in South Carolina.

“I don’t care much how I do it,” Clinton is reported to have said. “I’ll promise them the moon, but after I’m elected, I’ll flash them the moon, tell them all to kiss my a--. Especially Oprah. This is mostly her fault. I just hope she asks me back to her show, because she’s not going to like what I have to tell her, not at all.”

“You do not want to cross Hillary,” former Clinton advisor Dick Morris said. “She will get payback. The Clintons always do.”

As she watched the polls tally, Ms. Clinton is said to have become more and more angry.

“It’s not so much losing—we expected that—it’s the numbers that bother me,” Clinton reportedly said. “Bill and I have done so much for those people.”

But in typical Clinton fashion, she won’t let it bother her for long. There’s still work to do.

“At least we’ve still got the Latinos, a people who, like Bill and me, place a premium on loyalty. That’s so hard to find these days.”

Morris, who has had his share of run-ins with the Clintons, laughed at the notion that they are loyal.

“If Hillary says she’s ‘got your back,’ watch out, because she probably means she’s just plunged a knife into it.” (Posted 7:50 p.m. EST)

Gore Mulls Candidacy, 'Fart Tax'

By Herm Welty, Political correspondent

January 25, 2008, Washington, DC--Reportedly set on another run at the presidency, Al Gore will unveil a groundbreaking tax proposal Monday that opponents label as little more than "hot air."

The proposed “Fart Tax” would levy small fines on those who pass gas in public, thereby raising money against the federal deficit while simultaneously slowing the rapid increase of greenhouse gases, according to a source close to the former democratic nominee.

Gore is expected to reveal the plan at a Washington, D.C. press conference scheduled for Monday morning.

The mechanics of levying the tax are problematic, but Gore believes the government could recruit volunteers to monitor public spaces, said the source.

“There’s a little tattletale in most of us, and that’s always been a big part of Al’s appeal.”

While conceding that private farting probably can’t be regulated, the source says Gore’s plan calls for prebates to heads of households who are willing to alter their family’s diet.

“The prebate would be paid directly to the consumer at the supermarket in the form of coupons,” said the source. “Cashiers will be trained to discount every shopping bill over $50 that does not include any natural grains, beans, beer or fruit products.”

An angry Mike Huckabee said in a phone interview Friday that he saw Gore’s expected candidacy, and the Fart Tax, coming.

“Everyone knew Al Gore was just biding his time,” said Huckabee. “The man’s a proven plagiarist, and everyone knows he’s full of hot air. We saw it, everybody saw it building up, so the official release, when it comes, will surprise no one. The Fart Tax is pretty much a byproduct of Al being Al. I think it stinks.”

Gore plans to unveil the full plan, entitled "A Convenient Truth," in a series of multi-media PowerPoint presentations next week. A team of consultants will hash out strategies over the weekend.

"Jeans or slacks? Sweaters or jackets? These are some of the important questions under review," said Stephen “Cojo” Cojocaru, Gore's chief image consultant.

"He’s well on his way to a full beard already. Mark my words--facial hair will differentiate Al from Hillary, of course, but we also have it on good authority that Barack can’t grow one, either. John Edwards doesn't really count, but he wouldn't grow one anyway. He's much too vain.” (Posted 12:41 ET; updated 3:51 p.m.)

Kucinich: 'We're Going Galactic'

By Mickey Sartre, NewsLampoon cub reporter

January 25, 2008, Cleveland—Democrat Dennis Kucinich told the Cleveland Plain Dealer yesterday that he is abandoning his bid for the presidency.

When asked to comment, a spokesperson for Hillary Clinton expressed shock: “What? I thought he’d dropped out some time ago. At any rate, Congressman Kucinich will be missed. Hillary has told me many times how cute she thought Dennis’s running for president was. He’s a fiery little guy, isn’t he? Kinda reminds me of my little bulldog puppy.”

Critics complained that Kucinich’s near-constant campaigning diverted his attention from his duties as a congressman. He missed nearly 12% of this congressional session’s votes, 139 votes in all. He showed up Wednesday, however, to announce plans to introduce articles of impeachment against President Bush on Monday, Jan. 28th, the day of Bush's State of the Union address.

“My run for president brought much-needed attention to Cleveland and my beloved 10^th Congressional District. So I missed a few votes. I’ll compare my record with almost anyone in Congress. Believe me, some of those guys are a lot worse than I am. But right now I’m focusing on ways to get even more attention.”

Kucinich says “bigger things than the presidency” lie ahead. Among those are finding extra-terrestrial life and “getting the Browns back where they belong—in Cleveland.”

Reminded that the Browns returned to Cleveland in 1999, Kucinich said, “See how it works when we all pull together? Now we’re going to get Cleveland not just in the national spotlight, not just the world spotlight, we’re going galactic.”

Kucinich has been ridiculed for claiming he once spotted a UFO that might have been extra-terrestrial, a claim he doesn’t back down from.

“Ask Shirley,” he has said, referring to spiritualist-actor Shirley McClain, “she saw it too. It’s in her book if you don’t believe me.”

Asked about his immediate plans, Kucinich says he will first get re-elected to Congress. “But that’s in the bag.”

He says we now have to look forward.

“The world’s shrinking. Our global economy can’t handle the population. We need to find other markets whereby we can create much-needed jobs for the workers of Cleveland. We need to think of new ways, find new places, new technologies, new planets. We need to look beyond this world, way beyond it.”

Correction: A previous edition referred to the Wahabi sect as "Wasabi." We apologize for Mickey's error.

Edwards Sending “Scurrilous email”

By Mickey Sartre, NewsLampoon cub reporter

January 22, 2008, Columbia, SC—Someone has been sending “scurrilous” email messages around accusing presidential candidate Barack Obama of being a Wahabi Muslim who swore his oath of office on a Koran, not a bible.

  Don’t look now, but it’s the guy with the poison keyboard and cheap haircut—none other than John Edwards.

It all started innocently enough. Edwards got a haircut. Then the rumors began. By the time CNN got wind of it, the haircut had cost Edwards $1200. That’s for one haircut. Come on, folks! Edwards didn’t get rich by getting ripped off. Besides, all you have to do is look at it. Would you pay $1200 for a “do” like that?

Neither would Edwards.

The truth is, an Edwards aide told someone the candidate had gotten one hundred $12 haircuts, all within the space of 3 months, but that’s beside the point. The point is that after that, the story took on a life of its own.

The point is Edwards thought Obama had been spreading the embarrassing rumor.

Then things got really hairy.

Anyone notice that Edwards has been picking on Obama lately? Kinda switched from Hillary to Barack, didn’t he? See Saturday night’s debate? If you did, you know what I’m talking about.

Word is, Edwards is losing it, and we're not talking about his hair. His own people are saying he has no chance of winning a single primary. They’re saying he’s delusional. But that’s obvious. If he wasn’t delusional, he’d follow Fred Thompson’s lead and drop out of the race.

John Edwards has issues, and everyone except the candidate himself knows it. Mister Obama’s a big man. A Christian man. So let’s hope he can forgive Mister Edwards, who can’t help himself. So maybe all of us, Muslims included, can forgive John Edwards.

I for one am going to say a prayer for the guy with the cheap haircut.

(Posted 9:47 p.m. EST)

McCain Escorted from Barbecue

By Mickey Sartre, NewsLampoon cub reporter

January 21, 2008—John McCain, apparently feeling confident following a victory in Saturday’s South Carolina Primary, decided to celebrate—at a Mike Huckabee barbecue.

     The Sunday barbecue, held at Huckabee-supporter Chuck Norris’s Lone Wolf Ranch, in Texas, featured Huckabee’s band, Capitol Offense.

     According to some in attendance, McCain arrived with a group of “rough-looking” men dressed in camouflage and began to taunt Huckabee with calls of “You suck!” and “You’re a p---y!” as the former Arkansas governor and his band performed.

     The closed event was to feature an organized martial arts demonstration. Norris, a former martial arts champion who now hawks The Total Gym exercise machines, has appeared in various films, including Bruce Lee’s “Way of the Dragon.” Aficionados consider the Norris/Lee fight sequence the best in the genre’s history.

     Norris is probably best known for his television series “Walker, Texas Ranger,” which also regularly features Norris engaged in fight scenes in which he dispatches the “bad guys” with ease.

     A bouncer at the event says McCain lied in order to gain entrance. “He told me he wanted to announce that he was dropping out of the race, but I should have known better. His eyes were kind of glazed and he had this smirk on his face, and I could smell alcohol on his breath. But, hell, the dude’s a war hero, so I let him in.

     “I just hope Chuck ain’t mad. He told us not to let anyone in without a ticket. Chuck’s kind of strict about things like that.”

     As the taunts continued, McCain laughed and nudged his companions’ sides. Finally, a seemingly stunned Huckabee signaled for the band to stop and asked, “What seems to be the problem, John?”

     “You, Mike, are the problem,” McCain allegedly responded before challenging Huckabee to “come down off that stage.

     "I kicked your ass in New Hampshire and South Carolina, and I'm about to kick it again here in Texas."

     As they continued with their exchange, Norris appeared “seemingly out of nowhere” and stood, arms folded, behind Senator McCain and asked, “Can I help you, John?”

     “Oh, Chuck, I didn’t know you were here,” a startled McCain reportedly replied.

     “It’s my ranch, John, why wouldn’t I be here?” Norris is said to have said.

    Norris then is reported to have escorted the senator to a nearby table and force him to eat a pulled-pork sandwich and drink several cups of coffee before sending him on his way. Some in attendance say that as Norris signed autographs for McCain’s accomplices, he soothingly gave the senator “friendly advice” on the subject of self-discipline.

     “It’s all over now,” Norris is quoted to have said upon returning to the disappointed crowd. “The old man just had a little too much to drink.”



Obama Freaks

January 21, 2008, Columbia—Today, as Barak Obama, Hillary Clinton, and John Edwards prepare to speak at a Martin Luther King Day rally, Mr. Obama, surrounded by huge body guards, adoring fans, and friendly police, participated in a peaceful march to the South Carolina capitol.

     What a difference 45 years makes. No fire hoses, no attack dogs, no beatings.

     In an ongoing effort to wrest away King’s crown and place it on his own head, Obama last week intentionally got himself thrown into a Birmingham jail for jaywalking and then arguing with a reluctant Birmingham police officer.

     Upon release, according to sources close to the Illinois senator, Obama intended to produce his own “Letter from Birmingham Jail,” one of the greatest American essays ever written. Already penned by his speechwriter, Obama's letter, copied onto a brown paper bag, was confiscated while he was booked into custody and was subsequently “lost,” according to jail officials.

     Upon learning that he would be required to wear a bright orange jumpsuit like the rest of the inmates, Obama demanded to be released immediately but was refused. Told he would have to produce bail first, an irate Obama “screamed like a damned woman,” according to Deputy Jimmy Ootz.

     “Hell, I thought it was my wife come for a visit there for a minute.”

     Obama had originally intended to spend three days in the jail, but upon being advised of the bad conditions and that he would not be allowed to have his staff with him, Mister Obama changed his mind. “I can handle a couple hours, though, can’t I?” he reportedly asked his aides, who had never gone along fully with the plan but feared opposing it.

     Apparently he could not.
     "He freaked," laughed one of the aides.

Mike Gravel pulls late upset

By Herm Welty, Political correspondent

LAS VEGAS--Despite failing to attract a single vote or pick up any delegates, long-shot presidential candidate Mike Gravel was named the surprise winner of Saturday’s Democratic caucus in Nevada.

     “It was truly a stunning victory,” said DNC Chairman Howard Dean. “I wish this system was in place on a national level back in 2004.”

     The late results were announced after more than 48 hours of intense research, conducted by a team of game theorists at the University of Nevada-Las Vegas.

      A tousled-looking Dean made the announcement after meeting with the theorists for more than three hours.

      “We laughed, we cried,” said Dean. “I couldn’t see it at first but these researchers are tops in the field, being in Las Vegas and all. They insist Gravel won.”

      “I don’t understand it but at this point I’ll take it,” said Gravel.

      Gravel’s candidacy has been long on gumption but short on results until the Nevada caucus.

      His platform is built on eliminating the national income tax yet increasing social services, according to a campaign website hurriedly posted in the wake of Monday night’s announcement.

      Under Gravel’s plan, the government would raise funds by issuing casino vouchers to middle-class fathers.

     The inexperienced gamblers’ losses would then be split between the federal government and the casinos that choose to participate in the program.

     While fellow Democratic underdog Dennis Kucinich has fought hard to be included in events like Saturday night’s televised debate, Gravel concedes he enjoys skipping the intense preparation involved in making public appearances.

     “I’d say on to South Carolina but I think I’ll just hang since that’s been working,” he said. “I think we can safely say New Jersey is in the bag and we’ll just wait and see what happens in the other states.”

      “Nevadans have always prided themselves on thinking outside the box,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nevada. “This result shows we can think outside the ballot box as well.”

Merriam-Webster goofs

January 20, 2008—The editors of Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, 12^th Edition, released last July, found a word they had misplaced and neglected to include in the latest edition. The word, hippopotimouth, defined as “a profane and unprincipled physician,” was found on the tip of an assistant editor's tongue.

“So we missed one word,” said an associate editor. “What about the 10,000 new ones we added? No one wants to talk about those. We’ll put hippopotimouth in the next edition.”

"Bright Cloud" Destroys Texas Town

January 20, 2008, Stephenville--Residents of this former Texas town are adamant that the silent, low-flying, mile-long, half-mile object they saw pass over their heads last week was not of this earth, despite what the government and others say.

According to reports, dozens saw it, some catching it on video.

One video, shot in high definition, reportedly was given to government authorities, who assured the owner that they would return it “just as soon as we can.”

James Oberg, a trained UFO skeptic, appeared on The Larry King Show Friday and tried to shoot down the witnesses’ accounts by telling them they were “confused” and “untrained observers.”

“It was probably just a bright cloud,” said Oberg. “They don’t make noise, either.”

The witnesses claim doors on the object’s underside opened and released thousands of leaflets with the words “Surrender or we will destroy you” printed on them. The NewsLampoon obtained one of the leaflets and took it to an expert who found they were made of a “high-quality paper-like substance of unknown origin” and the print was in an “unknown font.” Ink test results have not yet become available.

Witnesses say they saw military fighter jets chase the object, then turn and flee with the object chasing them.

“There is no such thing as F-16s, and for that matter, there are no space shuttles, either,” countered Oberg. “Look, I’m a trained observer, and I know that nothing except clouds, some stars, God, and the sun can fly. Not even birds or planes can fly. They’re all optical illusions that can be explained. These people are living in a dream world.”

The object then returned and destroyed the town and most of its population with “some kind of ray,” according to those who escaped with their lives. “There would be a lot more of us, but they’re all dead,” said one witness. "We should have just surrendered, but some fool kept yelling 'Remember the Alamo!'"

A Government source has told the NewsLampoon that “very, very soon” the remaining witnesses will be “gathered up and taken away for therapy and debriefing.”

“What did I tell you?” said Oberg. “The town doesn’t even exist, and the people are all dead. What a bunch of crackpots.”

(Posted 3:28 a.m. CT)

MSNBC's Scarborough, Brzezinski feud

January 19, 2008—MSNBC anchor and garage band guitarist Joe Scarborough is scheduled to participate Sunday in a “jam session” at Chuck Norris’s Texas ranch with presidential candidate Mike Huckabee. Huckabee, who plays bass, is a frequent guest on Scarborough’s "Morning Joe" program.

Camera-shy co-anchor Mika Brzezinski, known as a hard-nosed, objective journalist who maintains she owes none of her success to her father, former national security advisor for the Carter Administation Zbigniew Brzezinski, is said to be furious, believing Scarborough’s dalliance with Huckabee presents a conflict of interest that threatens the integrity of the show.

“Our show has no integrity,” Scarborough is quoted as saying. “We replaced Don Imus, for crying out loud. I got a call after Don got s---canned and just started winging it, and that’s the way it’s been ever since. What’s the big deal? Besides, I’m a Republican, have been for years, was a Republican congressman. What exactly is it that Mika expects from me? Governor Huckabee and I have been friends for a long time. He invited me, I accepted, and I'm going. If Mika had any integrity, she would have changed her last name years ago.”

(Posted 7:32 a.m. EST) (Updated 10:59 a.m. EST)

Newslamp Editors Recant

January 18, 2008--The editors of the NewsLampoon.com website shocked political observers today when they announced in an emergency editorial that they would pull their endorsement for presidential candidate Lee J. Mercer before the endorsement was made. The editors blamed an unpaid intern for the confusion. The intern was subsequently fired. Read emergency editorial

(Posted 2:09 p.m. EST)

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Newslamp Editors to Endorse Mercer for Pres

January 18, 2008--It has been learned that the NewsLampoon.com website plans to announce sometime soon, possibly as early as this weekend, its endorsement of democratic candidate Lee J. Mercer for president.

"Someone's just gotta get around to writing it up," said a spokesperson for the website.

(Posted 7:26 a.m. EST)

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Cruise Plan Derailed

January 18, 2008, Washington D.C.— A Department of Homeland Security source said Thursday the nation narrowly averted disaster in 2005 when Tom Cruise made his infamous “jump the couch” appearance on the Oprah Winfrey Show. The appearance was a crucial element of “Cruise’s plan to take over the world, a plan derailed by us, and by ‘us’ I mean us, The U.S. Government,” said the source.

Apparently Cruise’s strange and frenetic behavior, which generated so much controversy, was induced by drug-laced water given to him by a Homeland Security operative posing as a Cruise assistant.

A Winfrey Show producer says she remembers a man wandering around on the day of the show looking for “Top Gun.”

“He was kind of strange,” said the producer, “even stranger than Tom. So I just figured they were together.”

A Cruise confidant says that following the taping a bewildered Cruise told her, “I don’t know what happened. I just went nuts.”

The Homeland Security source claims the Government had feared a Cruise/Winfrey alliance. “Tom’s quick rise up the Scientology ladder really got our attention,” the source said. “We’re convinced he was going to brainwash Oprah. Can you imagine, with Oprah as his mouthpiece, the damage he could have caused? Look what she’s done for Obama. We’d all be Scientologists by now.”

Andrew Morton’s recently-released unauthorized Cruise biography reportedly describes the actor as second-in-command of the Los Angeles-based cult, known for its aggressive recruiting tactics.

Lately there has been a bizarre internet-circulated video of Cruise describing Scientologists as “authorities of the mind.”

It has been reported that Winfrey, already a media giant, plans to launch her own television network in 2009. Winfrey also owns a school in Africa.

“Talk about a two-headed monster,” said the source. “We almost became a nation of zombies, a real-life ‘Night of the Living Dead.'”

Asked who ordered the Cruise drugging, the source replied, “Let's just say it came from the real ‘Top Gun.’”

(Posted 6:37 a.m. EST)

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O.J. to Visit Cuba

1-17-2008, Miami--Less than 24 hours after Clark County Nevada District Judge Jackie Glass ordered him not to leave the country, specifying that he should not even go so far as to get on a boat to go fishing, O.J. Simpson was seen early this morning at a Miami marina boarding a yacht owned by suspended NFL player Adam "Pacman" Jones.

"To Cuba!" a smiling Simpson shouted from the rail when asked of his destination. "I guess I'm being arrogant, or ignorant, or both!" he added, referring to the tongue-lashing the judge had administered the day before. Some in the Nevada courtroom had described Glass's scolding as being similar to one a perturbed mother would deliver to her unruly child.

As the vessel cruised away, Jones and Simpson clowned and waved at onlookers.

A source claims the two will be guests at Cuban dictator Fidel Castro's Havana compound. Also rumored to be in attendance are Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il and former president Jimmy Carter. The Rev. Louis Farrakhan and Iranian dictator Ahmad Ahmadinajad were said to be invited but unable to attend because they were in Moscow visiting Russian President Vladimir Putin.

Early on, there had been some question as to whether Simpson could raise the cash needed for bail, but that was taken care of by Simpson friend Tom Scotto, the owner of a North Miami Beach auto repair shop. Simpson's bail had been doubled from $125,000 to $250,000 for violating terms of his previous release. Scotto and others put up the required $37,500, 15 percent premium ordered by the judge.

Simpson has been charged with armed robbery and kidnapping and faces a possible life sentence. That trial is scheduled to begin April 7.

Asked if he thought the bail money was safe, Scotto said, "Of course. It's not like he would run or anything. Where would he go?"

Told of Simpson's departure from Miami for Cuba, Scotto said, "Really? Oh well, the bail's posted. He and Castro are pretty good friends. I just hope he comes back."

Neither Judge Glass nor Simpson attorney Yale Galanter were immediately available for comment.

(Posted 6:36 a.m. EST) Home

Kucinich Arrested in "Old-Style Brawl"

1-16-2008, Las Vegas--Democratic presidential hopeful Dennis Kucinich was arrested late last night at a Las Vegas casino in what police here labeled "an old-style brawl."

According to witnesses, Kucinich was drunk at the time of the incident.

Kucinich, angry for being excluded from last night's presidential debate, and whose legal motion for inclusion failed, decided to "take things into his own little hands," according to a spokesperson.

Surveillance video captured Kucinich drinking glass after glass of champagne and becoming increasingly belligerent as he challenged patrons and cocktail servers to "step outside." Kucinich's spokesperson maintains that the Ohio congressman (D-Ohio) was merely "challenging them to debate the issues," but one witness claims, and video seems to verify, that as she played the slot machines Kucinich intentionally spilled her bucket of quarters and then asked with a menacing voice, "What're you gonna do about it?" The spokesperson dismissed the claim, saying, "The next President of the United States of America was asking the people to take a more active role in helping to fix what's ailing this country. Spilling the quarters was a symbolic gesture meant to illustrate the present administration's wasteful spending and mis-handling of the economy."

Another patron, after being told who Kucinich was, said that he thought he had recognized the congressman but that he thought he may have been a Cirque de Soleil performer "just blowin' off some steam."

Eventually, Kucinich, apparently frustrated that no one would fight with him, punched an off-duty showgirl in the stomach. The showgirl, several inches taller than the congressman, had him pinned to the floor when security personnel broke it up. Kucinich shouted obscenities and continued to struggle as Security hauled him away to a holding room. "He's a strong little son-of-a-gun," said a sweating Dwight Parsons, one of the security guards who helped restrain Kucinich.

Asked about the congressman's strange behavior, Kucinich's spokesperson said, "What can you say? He's from Cleveland, grew up in a working-class neighborhood where you had to be tough, tenacious, which are attributes a president should have. As for the salty language, it's something he grew up with, and we don't believe it's anything he needs to apologize for. Have you ever listened to the Nixon tapes? All presidents cuss."

A source close to Kucinich says the candidate has grown increasingly frustrated during the campaign and that Kucinich, who the source describes as a "mean drunk," has increasingly turned to alcohol as a "stress reliever." "He really shouldn't drink at all," said the source.

Kucinich was released on bond and is expected to make a statement later today. Home

Romney Staffer Fired for Using Candidate as Coat Rack

1-15-2008, Detroit--A staffer at Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney's Michigan campaign headquarters was fired after carelessly tossing her coat over Romney's head. "I thought he was a statue, or a mannequin," the distraught now-former staffer explained. "He was so stiff."

Romney, campaigning throughout the state in an effort to garner votes for today's primary, had stopped in for a surprise visit.

"At first I thought he was one of those Fathead posters," said the fired staffer. A Romney spokesperson said this wasn't the first blunder by the same staffer. "A couple of weeks ago, she had five thousand 'Knute Romney For President!' posters printed up. Now this." Asked if firing the woman was too harsh a penalty, the spokesperson cited Romney's "three strikes and you're out" policy.

And what was "strike three"?

"Probably the fathead comment," the spokesperson said, adding, "But do you have any idea how long it took to fix his hair?"