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• 10-1-2007--Dear Mister Teacher, by Robby read

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9-25-2007, Boise--Senator Larry Craig (R-Idaho), in an attempt to clarify earlier statements, said his plan to "unresign" from the senate was, among other things, "an effort to reach out to Republican gays, lesbians, and every other kind of  Idaho voter, regardless of race, creed, sexual orientation or political affiliation."  Craig further said that he had "grown weary of 'playing footsie'" with the media and others and that the charge that he had engaged in homosexual activity in a Minnesota airport men's restroom with an undercover police officer was untrue because it would not only have been foolish but that "If I did do it, which I didn't, I certainly wouldn't have done it there because to do so would have been 'cruisin' for a bruisin.'  There are far more discrete places to pick up a guy, if you're into that kind of thing."  Alluding to the controversy surrounding Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas's confirmation hearings, Craig said his detractors are "engaging in nothing more than a high-tech lynching.  Even higher than the one that that negro judge endured."

9-24-2007, New York--Iranian President  Mahmoud Ahmadinajad, speaking at Columbia University, complained about the "unfriendly treatment" he received by the audience and Columbia president Lee Bollinger, who called Ahmadinajad "a petty and cruel dictator."  Later, after a private discussion with Ahmadinajad, Bollinger apologized and said that he had been "a petty and cruel college president."  The two plan to schedule another appearance for the dictator next year.

9-23-2007, New York--Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinajad, in New York to speak at the U.N. on sanctions imposed against that country, also plans to place a wreath at "Ground Zero" and speak at Columbia University.  One bodyguard, speaking on condition of anonymity, says the Iranian dictator further plans to "do some shopping" at some of The Big Apple's trendier boutiques to purchase items otherwise available only on the Iranian black market. Reportedly, the dictator's wife, long a fan of "infidel culture," recently viewed The Devil Wears Prada and has become obsessed with designer handbags and shoes and, according to the bodyguard, warned her husband not to "come back empty-handed."  The beleaguered dictator has taken a page from  Michael Jackson's book, where, during his much-publicized visit to Burundi, Jackson was spotted in a women's bathroom wearing a burka.  Ahmadinajad plans to sport a wool jacket and skirt, Gucci sunglasses and scarf, but nixed the matching Halston white purse and shoes now that fall has arrived.  "When in Rome . . . or, in this case, New York, I guess," sighed the bodyguard, who was assigned the duty of paying a visit to Victoria's Secret in order to purchase the president's undergarments.  The bodyguard said Ahmadinajad favors pink nylon briefs.  "He’s still somewhat conservative, even by Iranian standards."  Conveniently, the diminutive dictator wears just a size 4, same as his wife.  Representative Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio), an admitted "shoe freak" and close friend of Ahmadinajad's, is slated to accompany the radical Islamic fundamentalist dictator during his shopping spree.  Kucinich also wears a size 4.

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9-20-2007, FT. LAUDERDALE--Witnesses at a 4-alarm apartment complex fire claim to have seen O. J. Simpson in the parking lot carrying what was, according to one,  "a big-ass gas can."  Another witness claimed she was positive it was The Juice because she recognized Simpson's voice when he said, "If you tell anyone you saw me, I'll cut your mother------- head off.  No one leaves this parking lot 'til I'm gone."   Yet another witness, wishing to remain anonymous "for health reasons," speculated that Simpson was perhaps "trying to put the heat on someone else.  But, who knows?  Maybe his Bronco's out of gas.  Does he still have it?"                 Posted 04:53 EST

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Simpson's Bronco

8-17-2007, Los Angeles--An inside source at the Phil Spector murder trial says that members of the jury have complained about Spector's ever-changing appearance.  One had thought either Marty Allen or Jackie Mason had taken Spector's place at the defense table as a ploy to fool witnesses, prosecutors, and jurors and cause a mistrial or have the case thrown out.

                                                                                                                                                                    Isaac Brekken/AP

Las Vegas--An apparent prankster sitting in the front row of the courtroom during O. J. Simpson's bond hearing was wearing a creepy-looking Marcia Clark mask, fooling reporters and frightening many others in attendance, particularly The Juice.
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