| News Lampoon | Another Letter to Our Many Readers | ||||
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Sometimes Life Makes You Long for Death
July 23, 2010, Cleveland Dear Readers: It’s hard sometimes to write every single day about anything, let alone egotistical politicians, talking heads, and celebrities. Sure, it’s fun to make fun of Nancy Pelosi or Glen Beck or LeBron James, but to do so you have to pay attention to what they do and say before you can skewer them. It wears you down, makes you long for death. Is this our culture? This is who we watch, admire, even worship? Nevertheless, it’s been awhile since anyone here posted anything, so here are a few politicians, media types, and celebrities who will always make us very, very tired:
There are numerous others, hundreds, probably, but this is too tiring. We're going to get drunk and go swimming. Farewell! The NewsLampoon Staff |
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Lindsay
Lohan could be drunk, high on coke, and run over someone on Sunset
Avenue at noon during the peak of the tourist season, and some idiot Los
Angeles judge would pityingly give her another chance. A week later,
hammered again, she could mow down another tourist on the same spot, and
this time, the same judge, under pressure from the National Enquirer,
the closest thing to “journalism” these days, would be forced to sentence
her to twenty-eight days of mud packs, massages, and aroma therapy at a
beachside spa/rehab center, sentence reduced to a week because of
“overcrowding,” the Cannes Film Festival, or because she can’t stand being
around Mel Gibson, not because he’s a piece of shit, but because
she heard he’s a Republican, though she has no idea what one is.
Why is this woman famous?
Speaking
of Mad Max . . . wouldn’t it be great if he was Lindsay’s husband? Can
you imagine the drunkenness, the lacerating phone messages, the violence?
Maybe one of them would get a pistol and . . . well, you know, end all
of the misery for them and us.
Barack
Hussein Obama is the greatest politician of all time, which makes him the
biggest liar of all time—worse than Saddam Hussein, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad,
Adolph Hitler, Benito Mussolini, Richard Milhous Nixon, the U.N., and Joseph
Stalin combined. If he weren’t president, he’d tour the
country giving speeches at weddings, Rotary Clubs, Boy Scout jamborees,
tea parties . . . anything to get a microphone in front of his smirking
mug. Has there ever been anyone who loves the sound of his own voice so
much? Who else has said so much and yet so little? What is “Hope &
Change” anyway? Can you show us a picture? Can you touch it, taste it?
What about this utopian “post-racial” society? And weren’t we supposed to
be out of Iraq by now? What happened there? And why doesn’t the press
say anything about it? You talk about someone who could get away with
murder!
Speaking
of G.W. Bush, he would have been on the list two years ago, but we feel a
little sorry for old beady-eyes, what with all the blame heaped upon him
lately, everything from the Gulf oil disaster to being the Rhesus monkey
who cooked up the AIDS virus.