Last updated 04/28/2008 07:37:21 AM Refresh for latest updates |
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Opinion
In Your Head By Keith Rottweiler, NewsLampoon columnist I’ve been living with my “master” for about two months. Do you know what I do for him? Not much. I give him a slimy tennis ball; he gives me filet mignon flavored with bacon. I stand by the door; he opens it for me. I defecate; he pets me. I get on the bed; he pets me. I lie on the floor; he pets me some more. He really likes it when I tilt my head to the side and look “cute” for him. He reaches into his pocket and gives me filet mignon flavored with bacon. I don’t have to say a word. I get inside his head. I am four months old. I know this sounds condescending. I love my “master.” He knows this, in the way humans know, but it’s hard for him to understand. See, we dogs have this power. It’s called “true understanding.” All animals, including humans, have it. Nothing is more important. Humans have forgotten this. I’m sorry. That was a generalization. Most humans have forgotten. Babies use this power before taking in useless ideas and information and forgetting what’s really important. Why do you suppose we get along so well? Some humans would call this faculty of understanding “ESP” or “psychic ability.” “Intuition” is probably closer to what it really is, but that’s not it precisely. “Instinct” is close, but still not quite. It’s like listening. But this attempt to explain is useless. Unfortunately, there are no human words to fully explain true understanding. Ironic, isn’t it? The problem is your language. It’s not pure. It muddies everything up. One thing humans have that dogs don’t: hands. Do you know how I typed this up? My human friend did it for me. It probably will not turn out exactly how I want it, but it will be a start. Training, especially when it involves deprogramming, is painstaking and tricky business. Obvious results don’t happen overnight. I’m lucky. I have a human who tries to understand. He’s receptive and eager to please, unlike so many of you. He doesn’t know that I put the idea into his head. What he thinks is this: I know, I’ll write something from Keith’s point of view. That thing when I tilt my head to the side? I’m feeding information into his brain. “Uploading,” you might call it. Let him think he thought of it. Let him write it, “download” it, to pursue this silly metaphor. I’m probably sleeping right now, curled up warm in his bed while he attempts to tap out my thoughts, not quite accurately, but trying to get it right. I think it’s noble of him to try. He’s a good human. A quick word about Michael Vick. Did you know the judge in his case is a dog lover? More and more of you are. Some of you do understand, as well as you are able, and we credit that. But how do you suppose it happens?
The NewsLamp welcomes columnist Ariel Trebuchet. Ariel’s opinions, however, are her own and should not be taken as those of The NewsLampoon, Inc. The following is Ariel’s first column. The Editors. Oh, Canada! You Backstabbers! By Ariel Trebuchet, Columnist January 24, 2008, Washington, DC—The Canadians think we’re meanies. They put us on a “mean list,” along with China and Iran. That is to say the Canadian diplomat training manual identifies the United States as torturers. Well, wah-wah-wah! Who cares what Canada thinks anyway, much less their diplomats? What has Canada done for us lately beyond sell our kids hydroponics kits so they can grow their marijuana gardens indoors? Oh, I forgot. Canadians sell them the seeds, too. Oh, Canada! What great neighbors you are! You provide safe-haven for our murderers and draft-dodgers. You help terrorists enter into our country. Oh, Canada! Nurturer of scoundrels! So we do a little “waterboarding.” Who cares! Does “waterboarding” sound like torture? Have you ever gone surfing and had water go up your nose? Ever had to take nose drops? That’s about what it amounts to. I confess that when I was a little girl, I would fight like the dickens when my mother brought out the nose drop syringe. So you pour a little water down a terrorist’s nose. It makes the terrorist uncomfortable, gives him a noseache. Do you really care if a terrorist is uncomfortable? He should be uncomfortable! But is it torture? “In the know” people don’t think it is. Just as Mom had my best interest in her heart when she gave me my nose drops, President Bush had ours in his when he decided to allow our interrogators to waterboard. Who knows how many lives have been saved because of it? We are President Bush’s children. And, like children, we don’t always know what’s best for us. The way Canada and most of Europe has it, you would think President Bush was Lord of the Inquisition. Well he’s not. The Inquisition took place in Europe, not America. Americans do not torture people, in spite of what former homeland security head Tom Ridge, presidential candidate John McCain and other unpatriotic people assert. Hey, McCain, you’d make a great president—of Canada! Oh, Canada! Land of large, snowy spaces! You had better hope credible science is right about global warming--that it’s nothing more than an Al Gore-endorsed theory--or that the lights in your marijuana factories don't get too hot. Who’s going to rescue you if you melt? Oh, Canada! We hope you drown! |
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The NewsLampoon.com is a satirical news website published by NewsLampoon, Inc. The News Lampoon uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. © Copyright 2008 by NewsLampoon. The News Lampoon is not intended for readers under 18 years of age. Last updated: 04/28/08.
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