| News Lampoon | 10 Predictions for the home stretch | |||
| The final months of
the 2008 election season will be charged with sex and violence, making it
the most interesting since '68 By Jerry Nostradamus, News Lampoon Seer
July 13, 2008-- 1. Barack Obama will cut out the nuts of Rev. Jesse Jackson in an alley behind a South Chicago church. 2. MSNBC's Chris Matthews will offer to "go down on" Mr. Obama in the back seat of a long, black limousine. 3. Michelle Obama will kick the shit out of Matthews. 4. During an angry moment, curmudgeon John McCain, unaware that there are numerous "hot" microphones around, will be caught by every major news organization calling Michelle Obama a "black hole." 5. McCain will have no recollection of the "black hole" incident and kick the shit out of a hapless reporter who confronts him about it. 6. Bill Clinton will be caught squeezing Michelle Obama's buttocks at a "Women for Obama" rally. 7. An assassination attempt will be made on Ralph Nader by a Daily Kos blogger but will fail when Nader, who, it will turn out, is an expert at jiu jitsu, disarms and kills the would-be assassin. 8. Bush and Cheney will bomb Iran. 9. Nader, enjoying a surge in popularity because of the manly way he dealt with the assassination attempt and his opposition to the wars in Iran and Iraq, will be voted "The Sexiest Man Alive" and have his picture on the cover of Mercenary magazine. 10. Nader, seizing the momentum, will change his campaign slogan to "The Proper Use of Force" and win the election by a nose. Jerry Nostradamus is a descendent of renowned seer Michel Nostradamus. The News Lampoon--Twisted News, Humor & Satire
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