April 29, 2008--What
if someone you had loved and supported for twenty years had, in order to
advance his career, publicly ridiculed you? What if you had taken
this person under your wing, had, in a sense, adopted him? How would
his betrayal make you feel?
Furthermore, what if that person's
denunciation of you consisted of lies? What would you do?
April 25, 2008--Barack
is a politician? This will come as shocking news to many Obama
supporters, especially Barack's legions in the news media. Why has
the Pastor exposed Barack? And the prospect of an Obama presidency
gave us such hope. . . .
Could we have
been hoodwinked?
Please excuse me
while I clean the tears off my keyboard.
April 23, 2008--Had
he survived, William Shakespeare would be 444 years old today.
Unfortunately, Mr. Shakespeare died too young. He was only 52.
It is strange that he died on his birthday on April 23, 1616. How
did this happen? This
great mystery is one that perhaps only the great seer Nostradamus
could have solved.
Mr. Shakespeare authored such
classic horror plays as The Beast with Two Backs and The
Green-Eyed Monster. He also authored To Be or Not To Be,
the story of a dark and confused hamlet in Denmark, musical score by
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Mr. Shakespeare is perhaps best known
for his version of Romeo and Juliet, starring the immortal Leonardo
DiCaprio.
Mr. Shakespeare was a fine
writer, director, and actor. He will be missed.
________________________________________
__________________________
Quest tries to hang
himself from genitals!
CNN 'personality' found
with 'favorite sex toy'
By Mickey Sartre, News
Lampoon cub reporter
April 21, 2008--It
hurts when you have to report a story like this about one of your own, but
I've got a job to do, and I'm going to do it.
CNN reporter Richard
Quest was busted over the weekend in Central Park.
The New York papers
report that it was "not immediately clear" what poor Richard was up to at
3:40 in the morning with his favorite sex toy tucked away in his boot
other than he helpfully told police: "I've got some meth in my pocket."
April 4, 2008--We at
the News Lampoon were startled and somewhat disappointed to
learn that Governor Jesse Ventura said in an interview on the
Alex Jones Show that he agreed with
conspiracy theorists who contend the government lied to the American
public about the circumstances surrounding the 9/11 terrorist attacks.
Governor Ventura cited Loose Change, an hour-and-a-half-long film
available on the Internet, as influencing him to change his opinion.
After watching Loose Change
ourselves, we agree that it brings up disturbing questions. We think
we better understand the Governor's position and are not prepared to write
him off as a "wack job," as so many others have done. While we are
not yet prepared to join the conspiracy theorists, we are looking into the
matter and will let you know our opinion after we've thoroughly
investigated both sides' claims.
In the meantime, we continue to
support the "Draft Jesse" movement and urge you to watch Loose Change
and decide for yourselves.
The NewsLampoon.com
is a satirical news website published by NewsLampoon, Inc.
The
News Lampoon uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases when public
figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and
coincidental.